Category Archives: slice of life

Ash cloud days

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Not exactly apocalyptic cloud.

“I am disappointed in the ash cloud” twittered an old friend. “I had expected something more apocalyptic.”

I certainly wasn’t disappointed, but I understood the part about it not being very apocalyptic. In fact, it looked like normal summer clouds, white and varying from gauzy to cottony.  I would not have known that they were made of ash (actually pulverized stone) if I had not happened to read the news.

Despite their innocent looks, these clouds can destroy the engine of planes that fly through them. Even where the ash is so thin as to be invisible when seen close up, it can still damage engines, so all planes were grounded yesterday, and most of them most of today. This will likely continue on and off through the next days as well, depending on the movement of the ash clouds. The eruption is only intensifying so far.

Our prime minister got stranded in New York and managed the country from his new iPad.  Now that’s what I call “small government”.  (That was a joke. The iPad story was true though and Apple is likely to use it for all it is worth. It will be extremely hard for Microsoft to disparage the iPad as a toy after this. Of course, I could have managed Norway from my HTC Hero. Norway is a very well-behaved country.)

According to the latest projections I have seen, a thicker ash cloud should hit us in the evening or night of Monday 19th. The World Health Organization has recommended to stay indoors if it rains, but the Norwegian government says there is no reason for that.  It will rain tomorrow here. On the west coast of Norway, it will rain very much, according to meteorologists.  (At least it is not raining meteors, despite their title.)

Norway is a very long country, made up mostly of mountains and fjords. Planes are essential for society to work normally.  In addition to people (especially from northern Norway, which does not have railroads) planes also carry most of our mail. Luckily most people use email now, so physical mail is mostly used for mail-order and some bills.

And of course our connection to the rest of the world is greatly slowed. Not that I care, since Norway is the world’s best country and I am already here. And I have enough dried plums to continue regular life for weeks yet.

Unexpected weight loss

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This morning, I once again took the opportunity to step on the bathroom scales before getting dressed. I was mildly surprised to see that I had lost another pound. I am now definitely in weight territory where I have not been since I fully recovered from the Purgatory Weeks of 2005, when I could hardly digest any food at all.  I still have a long way to go to the lowest point, so the weight in itself is not a worry.  I just don’t know why I continue to lose weight.  As far as I know, I eat as much as before, I work as much as before, and I sleep as much as before.

I don’t know whether this bodes well or ill. Historians of the future will be able to look at the headline of this entry and say: “Of course!”.  But I don’t even know my own future.  I truly am human, albeit a weird one.

A little each day

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Like watching a turtle race…  I guess my life looks a bit like that.

Easter here in Norway is almost like a small vacation for me and most workers: From Wednesday mid-day till Tuesday morning. For me, this had an effect I did not intend: Because I normally do my daily brainwave entrainment / meditation before work, I skipped it for almost a week. And my day rhythm began sliding again.

I have chronic Delayed Sleep Phase Syndrome. Basically my day is 25 hours. This is the normal human condition when living in caves, but in normal humans it is reset by daylight. (And yes, I do see daylight each day, unlike unemployed otaku.) So untreated I fall asleep one hour later each night, until I would fall asleep during work hours. For that period, things are pretty rough, but then I sleep in the afternoon for a while, then evening, then night, and morning again. Or that is how it used to be. With brainwave entrainment I can get enough slow-wave sleep even if I go to sleep and wake up at normal time for society.

But I have to do it daily, or nearly so. Even after months, I am not cured, and perhaps will never be. I can skip a weekend and catch up, but clearly not a week. Then again, it really is a computer-assisted meditation, and meditation should be daily anyway.

This made me think about other things that are best done daily. For instance physical exercise. If I make sure to do a certain minimum amount of exercise even when I don’t have time or energy for a workout, my body will know that it is still in use and maintain itself accordingly. (But not today. Today I am tired and my stomach hurts. Tomorrow, tomorrow… perhaps.)

I should do the same thing with my voice, now that my throat has recovered from the mysterious infection. If I speak each day until I am just about to get sore, perhaps my body will adapt to speaking again. (Based on the theory that not speaking really was the reason why I can only speak a few minutes a day now. It is hard to say; almost no human voluntarily shuts up for years just because they have nothing important to say.)

And then there are exercises that are not for the body but the soul. I already mentioned meditation. Prayer is called the breath of the Christian, so naturally that happens throughout the day, but how about setting aside time for quality time with God? In a successful family there is regularly set time aside for being together, so a child of God should also have some such time, I imagine. The problem with this is that my Heavenly Father tends to ask about my homework.

These days I am fairly steady with the daily habit of reading books of the Truth. I have several tomes of timeless wisdom, some acquired in my youth and some quite recently. I also got two new Happy Science book in the mail yesterday:  “Love, Nurture and Forgive” which is pretty much what you’d think.  If only all the world’s cults had that as their main theme, there would be less poison gas in the subways.

The other book is “Tips to Find Happiness”, but its subtitle is “Creating a Harmonious Home for Your Spouse, Your Children, and Yourself.”  I should probably not read that one every day…

Before spring

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Where is the beauty of spring?

I went for a walk, bringing my camera. But the day was one between winter and spring. The pure white cover of the snow, like the innocence of childhood, was melted away. But it did not reveal the bright green hues of new life. Instead, a scene looking like the end of life. Trees naked, barren, as if dead. The ground brown with fallen leaves, ghostly memories of a summer long past and its tragic end. As if on a planet barely fit for life, only lichen and mosses still seemed undaunted. Even the occasional green straw was covered by yellow stiff corpses of its brethren, like a survivor from a massacre, spared by oversight. An occasional conifer stood dark and brooding, as if wondering how long it could stay awake alone. All the trials of winter I have endured, and for this? In the frozen light of the photo lens, the land seemed desolate like the soul of a sinner on his first day of repentance, shocked by the sight of the decay and ugliness that had been hidden under the whiteness of ignorance. The sun seemed to hold harsh light but little warmth. There was no way for the inexperienced to know that this was the beginning of the Age of the Sun, which will inevitably call forth life abundant.

It was a strange walk. Going there, my photo lens was looking at this barren land, but the eye of my soul was already seeing the beauty that has barely yet begun to stir within, like a longing, in the rising sap of the trees, in the roots of the grass, in the spring flower buds still making their way up through the soil.

And so this is my resolution, though I am not sure if I have the strength to hold on to resolutions if I ever come to need them. But if I can, this is what I will do: When my barrenness is uncovered, and the glare of the light seems to grow harsher for each day, I will believe in the Age of the Sun. And I will feel within for the slow soft stirring that whispers toward the light: “Grow brighter yet!”

So very Monday

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I cannot blame anyone else for this, I just got a bit too little sleep last night.  Time flies when you are having fun!  Five hours sleep plus one hour delta entrainment should have been nearly enough, but it does not feel like it.  I was sleepy much of the day at work, just like in the old days before brainwave entrainment.  Inspiration just cannot substitute for sleep.  Of course, there may have been factors at the workplace too, but I cannot write about those.

This afternoon and evening I have had a slight headache.  Nothing too bad, but it makes me wonder whether it is just from lack of sleep or if it is related to whatever keeps my lymph nodes tender.  It still hurts a little when I swallow, a week and a day after it broke out in earnest.  Again, nothing too bad. I would probably have ignored it if it started like this, but not with the memory of the much stronger pain in fresh memory.  But clearly there is still something, whatever it is.

On a vaguely related note, I found online today a prayer to El Cantare for recovery from illness. No, I did not try it. I’m already in a relationship with Jesus Christ, so to speak. You may even say I have a “prayer commitment”.  Besides, even El Cantare says that Jesus is the head of the healing spirits. Furthermore, direct intervention like that just isn’t his style. In another of his books, Ryuho Okawa (known as 20% of El Cantare) says that if you are poor, he will not give you money. Your problem is that you love poverty, and giving you money won’t fix that. Instead he will give you the Truth so you can change your mindset.  He implies in the same chapter that the same may hold true for illness: There are illnesses that come from fate, he says, but most come from people driving themselves into illness through not taking care of themselves.  (For example me by not getting to bed in time!)  So instead of praying to El Cantare you should normally take his reasonable advice to heart instead, it seems.

Still, there is such a prayer. There is also one to get married.  From scratch, I mean, not for the actual wedding but to find someone to build an Utopian home with.  I did not try that either.  Although I admit if I could build a home that was a Fortress of Light, as the prayer says, I would be somewhat less adverse to it than now I am. Then again I am very adverse right now.  It is bad enough to be half sick if you don’t have to be married as well.

(Yes, yes, it is an opportunity to give more love than you receive. But that is why we have jobs. And online journals. My day already has 25 hours.)

In other Happy Science news, a twitter gave out a link to an online Happy Science library with several of their monthly magazines.  You can actually subscribe to those in paper format as well, I believe, but this is great for us who live online anyway. The only problem is that it does not work with my mobile phone, because the site uses Flash.  Needlessly, in my opinion.  Commute bus is otherwise a great place to read.

Oh, that reminds me.  As a measure of just how sleepy I was, I forgot my bag at work. It contains not only my MP3 player and large headphones, but also the current book.  As it happens, the sunshine was so strong and so low that I could probably not have read anyway, so it is all good.  But having carried that bag to and from work thousands of consecutive workdays, it takes something to just forget it.  Tonight I’ll sleep for 7 hours and then an hour (or nearly so) of delta entrainment.  Let’s see how that works.

Doctor visit!

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You know, I think I’ll just write this post about the health thing and then we can have the philosophy and religion elsewhere for this time.  I am sure you are all eager to hear that I actually made use of Norway’s communist-style health care system (well, judging from my conservative American friends, that must be the least one could say about it.)

The conclusion was obvious before I even started.  Once again I shelled out a symbolic amount (about $30, not counting transport) to be told that nobody was going to do anything about anything.  So, back to soup and meditation I guess.  This is what happens pretty much every time, of course. Even when I am sick, I am probably healthier than most doctors and nurses. It still makes for well-read entries, though.

This morning I went to work again, but I noticed that unlike the previous mornings, I was not better than the day before.  If anything, the modest pain when swallowing was a bit stronger than yesterday evening.  So after I came to work, I called the clinic where I has been assigned by the state.  (I have had opportunities to change later, with my moving twice, but I don’t have a problem with these. They are just half an hour from my job and have decent equipment.)

I got an appointment already the same day, at 13:30. Not bad for socialism, eh? The wait was not particularly long either.  About 13:40 I was allowed in to a young substitute doctor.  I am not sure if he substitutes for my regular doctor or not, I did not see or hear anything of my regular doctor today.  He may quietly have left his job for all I know – I last saw him sometime in 2008, I believe. He usually only told me to exercise an hour each day anyway, so I don’t really need to see him to know that.  I have an excellent memory.  And no, I don’t exercise an hour each day. Although not having a car means I do exercise pretty much every day, just more sporadically.

The young guy pretty much asked me the same questions I have asked myself:  Fever?  (No.) Any other infections?  (Inflamed gums the week before.) Coughing? (No more than usual.) Had a cold recently? (No.)  He then looked in my throat to see if it was red.  (It was not.) He listened to my chest. (I have had no trouble breathing this time.)  (Incidentally, he did not squeeze my breasts.  In fact he only asked me to open one button. A very decent fellow.) He also looked in my ears, but of course found nothing worrying there either.

He concluded that it must be some kind of virus, and recommended that we just wait it out.  Just to be sure, he sent me to the lab to take a blood test from my finger.  It showed no bacterial activity, so Lab Girl just told me to keep my feet warm.

After paying, I accidentally put my money outside my pocket instead of inside, and walked away leaving it on the floor.  It was all the money I had taken out to buy a new 1 month bus pass, about $200, and a little more that I planned to buy groceries for. Luckily an old man in a wheelchair alerted the assistant who called out for me, so I got it all back.

So anyway, nobody still has a clue as to what actually is hurting me, except that it is probably not streps so probably I won’t get rheumatic fever.  This is good. Of course, since we have no idea what virus it is, we have no idea what it does in the long run either.  But then again, as Keynes said, “in the long run we are all dead.” At least temporarily, I might add.

Did I forget anything?

Giant on feet of varicose veins

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At least I don’t claim to be one of those. Yet.

I went to work today, after two days of soup and relaxation, including brainwave entrainment.  I slept for nearly six and a half hour tonight and meditated for perhaps half an hour, so I was a little surprised that I was sleepy a few times during the workday.

I still have some pain while swallowing, but it is less than yesterday, and yesterday less than Monday, and Monday less than Sunday.  This is good.  My right foot hurts somewhere near the ankle. This is not good, but probably more likely to come from varicose veins than flesh-eating bacteria.  I have after all reached that age.

Thinking back on my life, there was so much I did not understand, did not even know, when I was young and healthy.  It is as if some kind of balance has to be maintained, that I cannot have strength and wisdom in the same body.  Surely this cannot be true for all, but it seems to be disturbingly common.

The thought has struck me that I might have become conceited, proud, a VIP in my own eyes (more than otherwise) etc if I did not have the sword of a failing body hanging over my head.  I am fully aware that it is still hanging.  Even today I am in good health for my age, where so many are already unable to work at all or suffering daily torture.  Still, I have these reminders, like the proverbial sword hanging by a hair, that I can never know when will drop.  It may be that I need this to stay humble.  If so, that is quite sad.

To me it seems that learning the Truth – or at least some approximation to the Truth – is making me more humble.  And I don’t say that as if humility was itself some kind of good work.  Humility, to me, is just a subset of realism.  There is no need to exaggerate my failures, because my lack of accomplishment would shame me even if I had done no actual wrong at all in my life.  (Which I have, but you don’t need to know all the details.)

Oh yes, I happened to finish the chapter of the “sixth dimension” in The Laws of Eternity.  No matter how I look at it, it is me.  I am just not very good at it.  But it is me.  The joy of knowledge and especially deeper insight, for its own sake, not for money or fame or impressing the women, but even or especially when I am alone, even when learning something I suspect no one will ever know that I know.  The absolute conviction that the Light is real, based on years of day to day experience. The drive to use my knowledge to help people and make the world a better place. Even, dare I say it, a certain natural leadership ability.

That last part certainly needs some explanation, because I am extremely solitary by nature.  When left to my own devices, I can be alone for weeks and enjoy it. However, I can also take initiative and bring people together, when my job requires it.  Back when I could still talk without too much pain, I was an instructor in my then job.  I would go on courses and seminars with other instructors, and when we first met, I would be the one to talk to people and get them together and get started thinking on our tasks.  When there was discontent because of bad leadership, I would put it into words and discuss what we would do about it. I would confront those who had misused their authority.  I had no fear of them and always saw them as equals at best.

However, when I had done whatever was needed, I would revert to my porcupine form, so that is probably how I am mostly remembered.

At the time, I did not know anything about the sixth dimension or why I was here on earth.  I guess I generally believed that my purpose in life was to remain celibate at all costs, or something.  I did not really ask myself why I was who I am. And even now, I wonder what will happen next.  Did I finally find this out when it was too late?  Or is there still something I am supposed to do?

There is a difference between Knowledge and Truth.  You can learn knowledge, but you are reminded of truth.  When you hear the truth for the first time, you think: “Yes, I always knew that, but I did not know that I knew!”  And that is why I keep reading this guy who thinks he is from Venus and used to be king of Atlantis, and this is why I keep reading this other guy who thinks Democrat leaders are literally possessed by demons.  For all that these two seem crazy to the casual observer, they suddenly start saying other things that make me go “Yes! That makes a lot of things fall into place, that makes the puzzle become a picture!”  This lasts for a shorter or longer time, and then suddenly they say something that makes me go “what planet are you on RIGHT NOW?”.

I wonder if Jesus was like that too.  I remember an episode where his family showed up to try to bring him home, convinced that he was not quite right in the head.  Or when he claimed to be bread from Heaven, and threatened that bad things would happen to people who did not eat him.

I wonder if I am like that too.  Perhaps some see a halo and some just see varicose feet. I guess they would both be right, although I dare say at present there is a lot more feet than halo.

Still alive & loving it

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I admit that I was more than a little worried about the rapid onset throat pain, but today it is hurting less.  I stayed home from work yesterday and today, drinking soup and doing some meditation.  If this is what we here in Norway call “3 days throat illness”, it should end tomorrow.  But even if not, I will be happy if it continues to withdraw at the current pace.

My vocal cords are still feeling kind of sandy, and I have been automatically trying to clear them a lot today.  It is almost impossible not to, it is like a reflex. Hopefully this won’t do too much damage.

I have also spent the last two days reading through my enormous Sims 2 archives, more exactly the Micropolis Prosperity Challenge.  I have returned to the game a little after that.  It may sound strange, but when I felt really ill and I thought back at my recent life to see if there were things that were not tinged with any regret, I saw this among them.  I feel that I truly got across some of my metaphysics and many of the values that I keep and that have contributed to my own happiness and that of many others.

Micropolis (meaning “very small town”) is a story, made in collaboration by me and the little people in the computer, about a few families who have lost loved ones and all they owned in a natural disaster.  Uneducated, friendless and mired in debt, they start building a new community under the guidance of a guardian angel that shows them how to realize their own inner potential to build an utopia on earth. By helping each other, learning useful skills and communing with their guardian angel, they make progress against seemingly impossible odds.  (This was all written before I had heard of Happy Science, by the way. ^_^)

Rereading it from the start, I was amazed to see how some of the things I said on the first pages were realized later in the game, long after I had written it, and without any prompting from me. The little computer people went off and did it by themselves, as if they had really heard my voice.  Or as if I had inadvertently seen their future.  Or as if someone above either of us had played us both according to a plan neither of us could see…

If I am treated like I have treated my sims, I am fairly optimistic about my life and, to some extent, even my afterlife.  And in some ways, it really looks that way. I know I joked that I treated them like I wanted to be treated myself, except they were not allowed to eat snacks.  And behold, I had to reduce my favorite snack intake due to the “fat poisoning” illness.  Well, I still snack, but rarely on snacks, if you know what I mean.  And I make more meals, just like my sims.  So it seems to work both ways…

And like the Sims of Micropolis, I have had years of amazing happiness.  That time still lasts.  Even now, I love my life.  I am not only afraid of death, although there is still a worry that I may have to pay for my idle years and for the weaknesses I hid in the dark.  But if I were to spend my afterlife with the Voice that taught me how to find happiness, I can stand an eternity of that. For now, however, I know from experience that I can have this happiness in the current life. And I am not eager to give that up.

Sudden illness

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I had finished a fairly long entry concluding in my dedication to living a life worthy of someone whose home is in the Realm of Light, the “sixth dimension” as Happy Science names it. Before posting it, I ate my dinner and looked through my picture collection for a suitable picture.

Then suddenly I noticed that it hurt to swallow.  I have felt this a few times over the past week, always on the right side.  But this time it quickly moved to both sides and got worse, amazingly fast, in a matter of perhaps a minute.  I was shocked. While I am generally not looking for signs in the things that happen me – Moses specifically warns against letting such outside events rule our lives rather than the word of God through his prophets – it was hard not to draw a connection between the sudden onset of the illness and the impending upload of my completed entry. I decided to make it private, for now at least.  If I survive, I will seek God’s will in this regard.

It has been over 4 hours so it was not immediately fatal, but I am hardly getting better either.

It does not feel like an ordinary sore throat. Apart from the sudden onset, it just feels not so much sore, more like something presses or stretches on my throat. I feel like I have tender pouches (lymph nodes?) under my jaw on both sides, especially the right, but there is no visible swelling so this may be misleading.  When I swallow, there is a fairly strong pain that radiates from the “Adam’s apple” (vocal cords) to the right side almost under the ear.  My neck is stiff, but this may be a reaction to the pain rather than the other way around.

There is an irony in this, as I was thinking not much earlier (though not writing it) that it seems people with a heavenly calling tend to live longer than most. Perhaps, I thought, it was partly because they avoided the excesses of the flesh, but partly also because a sense of meaning in life made the body do its best, knowing that it was in use.  Well, well.   I am not dead yet, but my body is hardly doing its best.

It was so sudden that I considered going to the nearest emergency room (probably in Mandal now). But then I remembered that every time I have done so before, it has turned out to be nothing worthy of the name “emergency”, which is more about torn limbs and burst appendices. Unfortunately, torn limbs are all too common during the Scandinavian weekend, as Friday and Saturday are binge drinking day, and there is still a good deal of alcohol in people’s bloodstream on Sunday.  Not in mine though.

Confusingly, I have no fever worth the name.  My temperature is about 37.5 degrees Celsius (99.5 Fahrenheit) which is slightly above normal for me, but not a true fever as you would expect if the body really was fighting hordes of deadly bacteria. It may come simply from worrying, which I do.  I don’t want to die before I wake, because I am not that solid in my faith.  I fear that if I must leave the body now, I may be drawn to Hell despite my best intentions, much like in this life the sight of a sexy woman causes all my pious thoughts to evaporate instantly and draws my eyes and feet in her direction, even though I know that I could not actually do anything with her even if she asked me to.  My mind is still drawn out of its course, and if my mind does not have a body to hide in, Light knows where it may drift off. Or if someone threatens me, my compassion goes POOF and my mind instantly looks for the best ways to maim or kill the other person before he can do it to me.   Not much “Father forgive them” there, nope.  I need a lot more spiritual practice.

So, yes, worrying.

Bill-paying day

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“One must climb the stairway to adulthood with one’s own feet, step by step.” When Yano says it, she probably refers to romance, but in real life it mostly means learning to pay one’s own bills on time. Or that’s my impression, especially today.

Low-density entry again. I am still alive, long may it last, and I seem to have recovered from the bout of sickness earlier today, but I still have the inflamed gums to remind me that I need to stock up on sleep and meditation.

So anyway, today was bill-paying day, a couple days later than usual. Which probably says something about my current forgetfulness. Or perhaps we could spin it more positively, like not being concerned about earthly things. In any case, it certainly isn’t for financial reasons, since I got my pay the 12th and don’t expect another until the 12th of April.

In related news, it’s been the coldest winter in decades here in southern Norway, according to the utility company. They wrote this in a small leaflet they sent along with bill, and for the occasion offered to split the bill in two installments for those who so desire – against a small fee. Ah, everyone wants to get into credit these days. In Norway, that is, not elsewhere, from what I hear.

I would certainly have considered it, if I had not already arranged financing. After all, it does not come entirely like a black swan from a cloudy sky. I have paid my own bills for many years and I do know most of the predictable ones well in advance. This is a good thing, especially on days like today. The bills, including electricity for two houses and some moving costs, amounted to about $3000. A fairly moderate amount by Norwegian standards, admittedly, but I still only keep about $2000 a month after tax. So some preparation was obviously necessary, or panic would have ensued.

This comes after four months of double rent, which admittedly was more or less my choice for the last three of them, as I gradually moved over to the new place. In any case, next month should be the first “normal” month with no leftovers from the moving period. It should also be the first since October that I run a surplus again, if all goes according to plan. Which all rarely does, but it is not certain that it goes entirely off in the wild blue either. Those who live will see. I still hope to be one of them. Even if that means sleeping away seven hours a night for a while…