Superpower: Blessvision

One of the useful things I have learned from Japanese TV is that when a toddler makes a sincere effort to start on the path toward becoming an astronaut, they will begin shining with a bright light.

This entry may be offensive to atheists. You should definitely start with something even more general. There are many truths that are expressed in religion but that are actually relevant to all vaguely sane humans, such as “it is more blessed to give than to receive”. Anyone who actually tries this can verify it for themselves. But what I want to write about today will probably not make sense unless you are familiar with religion. So skip it if you can’t understand it.

I started this practice at a time when I was also getting into studying the books of Happy Science, so the two things have become a bit mixed together in my mind. But actually I picked this up from a modern contemplative Christian who mentioned it briefly in his LiveJournal. Basically, when you pass random people, try to silently say “Bless you” inside while focusing on them.

There are of course other expressions that can be used. Basically what it means is “may good things happen to you”. It is best to not be too specific about what you want to happen to them. The idea is not that you, the great and very important person, get to see it happen. The blessing may unwrap in the far future, at a point where they need it the most. Or they may just be spared some misfortune that they did not even know about. There are even events that are blessings in disguise, that don’t seem all that pleasant while they last. It matters not, just bless them, and don’t let them know.

I’ve been practicing this for months. Obviously I don’t compulsively bless every person in sight, at least not when I am in the city where people are swarming all the time. And I take time for other things sometimes, like reading on the bus instead of blessing every car we meet on the interstate. It is not something you do neurotically, it is an opportunity. Although it is in a sense a commandment if you are a Christian, for it is written: “Bless, and curse not!” and again, “but on the contrary bless; for to this you are called, that you may inherit the blessing.”

Now, doing this silently and briefly may seem pretty tame. I guess it is, but it is also very simple and does not take much time. You have nothing but your faith that it has any effect at all – on the other person. When it comes to yourself, it will definitely have an effect if you are serious about it and keep at it for weeks or months. Because when you bless others, it kind of seeps into your own substance. Same for curses, of course, but who would want to try that?

Now you may argue that this is a replacement for actually doing anything good for people. That is not at all true. It is a preparation for actually doing something good for people. It builds a mindset, an attitude where it becomes natural to bless others. And that means, at the very least, that it becomes less natural to try to take from them. You become more aware that other people are as real as you are, and you start thinking of ways in which your life can be useful for others.

OK, to be honest I am not sure how much of that thinking comes from looking at people to bless them, and how much comes from studying the books of Happy Science. But I am pretty sure the blessing is a fairly large part of it. So this is part of why I have turned around completely regarding work: I used to see it as divine punishment, and I looked forward to getting home and being alone, I looked forward to the weekend when I did not need to go to work. Now, I look forward to going to work on Monday morning, knowing that I will have an opportunity to turn my blessings into action, however poorly and incompetently yet. I may not be able to do much, but I can do it with the attitude of love and wishing the best for the people I try to help.

As for today’s title: There is a special state of mind that comes when you focus your attention on someone and think “I bless you on behalf of God who has an ever renewing ocean of blessings and loves you eternally. May good things happen to you from now on and in the future.” It is this state of mind we condense into the simple words “Bless you!”. What I am training at now is to condense this further, so that merely by looking at someone and recreating that state of mind wordlessly, I will be able to convey my blessing just with a glance. This is what I lightheartedly call “bless-vision”. I am certain that should anyone meet my eyes at such a time, they will know to some extent that they are being blessed, much as you notice when someone looks at you angrily or lustfully. But mainly it is a matter of efficiency.

My goal, which I admit is far from certain in this lifetime, is to be able to uphold a steady bless radiance, in which blessings radiate from me to every person and creature and thing nearby that can possibly receive it. That is obviously a pretty extreme goal, and as I said, not necessarily something I can achieve in this lifetime, especially since I have wasted so much of my life already and entered into a habit of wasting it continuously. But it should be possible. There are definitely people who live like these. This is what in Buddhist literature is translated as “compassion”. It is a love that has no object, but is given without conditions and without restrictions. But this is not something I can do, or more exactly be (for it is existence as love) and I am well aware that I am far from this.

Perhaps I am like a toddler who wants to become an astronaut. It is a fact that there are extremely few astronauts in the world, and will be for the foreseeable future. Very few toddlers grow up to become astronauts. But all astronauts have once been toddlers. So I intend to keep toddling. That is my plan, Light willing.

Giant on feet of varicose veins

At least I don’t claim to be one of those. Yet.

I went to work today, after two days of soup and relaxation, including brainwave entrainment.  I slept for nearly six and a half hour tonight and meditated for perhaps half an hour, so I was a little surprised that I was sleepy a few times during the workday.

I still have some pain while swallowing, but it is less than yesterday, and yesterday less than Monday, and Monday less than Sunday.  This is good.  My right foot hurts somewhere near the ankle. This is not good, but probably more likely to come from varicose veins than flesh-eating bacteria.  I have after all reached that age.

Thinking back on my life, there was so much I did not understand, did not even know, when I was young and healthy.  It is as if some kind of balance has to be maintained, that I cannot have strength and wisdom in the same body.  Surely this cannot be true for all, but it seems to be disturbingly common.

The thought has struck me that I might have become conceited, proud, a VIP in my own eyes (more than otherwise) etc if I did not have the sword of a failing body hanging over my head.  I am fully aware that it is still hanging.  Even today I am in good health for my age, where so many are already unable to work at all or suffering daily torture.  Still, I have these reminders, like the proverbial sword hanging by a hair, that I can never know when will drop.  It may be that I need this to stay humble.  If so, that is quite sad.

To me it seems that learning the Truth – or at least some approximation to the Truth – is making me more humble.  And I don’t say that as if humility was itself some kind of good work.  Humility, to me, is just a subset of realism.  There is no need to exaggerate my failures, because my lack of accomplishment would shame me even if I had done no actual wrong at all in my life.  (Which I have, but you don’t need to know all the details.)

Oh yes, I happened to finish the chapter of the “sixth dimension” in The Laws of Eternity.  No matter how I look at it, it is me.  I am just not very good at it.  But it is me.  The joy of knowledge and especially deeper insight, for its own sake, not for money or fame or impressing the women, but even or especially when I am alone, even when learning something I suspect no one will ever know that I know.  The absolute conviction that the Light is real, based on years of day to day experience. The drive to use my knowledge to help people and make the world a better place. Even, dare I say it, a certain natural leadership ability.

That last part certainly needs some explanation, because I am extremely solitary by nature.  When left to my own devices, I can be alone for weeks and enjoy it. However, I can also take initiative and bring people together, when my job requires it.  Back when I could still talk without too much pain, I was an instructor in my then job.  I would go on courses and seminars with other instructors, and when we first met, I would be the one to talk to people and get them together and get started thinking on our tasks.  When there was discontent because of bad leadership, I would put it into words and discuss what we would do about it. I would confront those who had misused their authority.  I had no fear of them and always saw them as equals at best.

However, when I had done whatever was needed, I would revert to my porcupine form, so that is probably how I am mostly remembered.

At the time, I did not know anything about the sixth dimension or why I was here on earth.  I guess I generally believed that my purpose in life was to remain celibate at all costs, or something.  I did not really ask myself why I was who I am. And even now, I wonder what will happen next.  Did I finally find this out when it was too late?  Or is there still something I am supposed to do?

There is a difference between Knowledge and Truth.  You can learn knowledge, but you are reminded of truth.  When you hear the truth for the first time, you think: “Yes, I always knew that, but I did not know that I knew!”  And that is why I keep reading this guy who thinks he is from Venus and used to be king of Atlantis, and this is why I keep reading this other guy who thinks Democrat leaders are literally possessed by demons.  For all that these two seem crazy to the casual observer, they suddenly start saying other things that make me go “Yes! That makes a lot of things fall into place, that makes the puzzle become a picture!”  This lasts for a shorter or longer time, and then suddenly they say something that makes me go “what planet are you on RIGHT NOW?”.

I wonder if Jesus was like that too.  I remember an episode where his family showed up to try to bring him home, convinced that he was not quite right in the head.  Or when he claimed to be bread from Heaven, and threatened that bad things would happen to people who did not eat him.

I wonder if I am like that too.  Perhaps some see a halo and some just see varicose feet. I guess they would both be right, although I dare say at present there is a lot more feet than halo.

Still alive & loving it

I admit that I was more than a little worried about the rapid onset throat pain, but today it is hurting less.  I stayed home from work yesterday and today, drinking soup and doing some meditation.  If this is what we here in Norway call “3 days throat illness”, it should end tomorrow.  But even if not, I will be happy if it continues to withdraw at the current pace.

My vocal cords are still feeling kind of sandy, and I have been automatically trying to clear them a lot today.  It is almost impossible not to, it is like a reflex. Hopefully this won’t do too much damage.

I have also spent the last two days reading through my enormous Sims 2 archives, more exactly the Micropolis Prosperity Challenge.  I have returned to the game a little after that.  It may sound strange, but when I felt really ill and I thought back at my recent life to see if there were things that were not tinged with any regret, I saw this among them.  I feel that I truly got across some of my metaphysics and many of the values that I keep and that have contributed to my own happiness and that of many others.

Micropolis (meaning “very small town”) is a story, made in collaboration by me and the little people in the computer, about a few families who have lost loved ones and all they owned in a natural disaster.  Uneducated, friendless and mired in debt, they start building a new community under the guidance of a guardian angel that shows them how to realize their own inner potential to build an utopia on earth. By helping each other, learning useful skills and communing with their guardian angel, they make progress against seemingly impossible odds.  (This was all written before I had heard of Happy Science, by the way. ^_^)

Rereading it from the start, I was amazed to see how some of the things I said on the first pages were realized later in the game, long after I had written it, and without any prompting from me. The little computer people went off and did it by themselves, as if they had really heard my voice.  Or as if I had inadvertently seen their future.  Or as if someone above either of us had played us both according to a plan neither of us could see…

If I am treated like I have treated my sims, I am fairly optimistic about my life and, to some extent, even my afterlife.  And in some ways, it really looks that way. I know I joked that I treated them like I wanted to be treated myself, except they were not allowed to eat snacks.  And behold, I had to reduce my favorite snack intake due to the “fat poisoning” illness.  Well, I still snack, but rarely on snacks, if you know what I mean.  And I make more meals, just like my sims.  So it seems to work both ways…

And like the Sims of Micropolis, I have had years of amazing happiness.  That time still lasts.  Even now, I love my life.  I am not only afraid of death, although there is still a worry that I may have to pay for my idle years and for the weaknesses I hid in the dark.  But if I were to spend my afterlife with the Voice that taught me how to find happiness, I can stand an eternity of that. For now, however, I know from experience that I can have this happiness in the current life. And I am not eager to give that up.

From Jennicam to Happy Science

“You never thought angels wore business suits,” says Edison in the anime “The Laws of Eternity”. Well, I am starting to see lots of angels around, even if some of them may be angels only for me.

Stephen Jay Gould is famous for his claim that if we could rewind evolution and run it again, we would end up with a completely different biosphere, and certainly not with anything resembling humans. I have to admit that my life looks a lot like that too. But strangely, both evolution and I somehow moved in the right direction, as if subtly influenced by some Great Attractor far beyond our sight. Today I will regale you with the tale of how I ended up with half a bookshelf full of Ryuho Okawa’s books. It is almost as unlikely as life itself!

I know exactly where my reality branched off from what should normally have happened. It was the day I bought, on a whim, an issue of the Norwegian magazine Komputer. It was a magazine for owners of home computers, and this was back when the World Wide Web was fairly new here in Norway. One of the fascinating sights on this new medium was Jennicam. Jenni was a young American woman – a student back when she started this – who lived her life on webcam. She had cameras in both the living room and the bedroom, taking one picture a minute throughout the day and night. People watched her spend her days in front of the computer, and nights sleeping.

I was one of the curious people who checked out her web site after reading about it in Komputer. Naturally I would be curious about what women actually do, strange and unfamiliar beings that they are. Unlike some of her viewers for sure, my curiosity was not primarily sexual, although I did collect a few nice, small (by today’s standard) pictures of her butt, usually in jeans. Pretty tame, I guess. My “buttpic of the month” was a homage to her for getting me started down the path to my own journal.

It was another girl of the same sort, Debra of Soyaratcam (New Zealand) who actually showed me how to do it. She was also living a pretty tame life on the web in the same style, but then her software broke down. For many days, she could not show the automatic pictures of her life. So she wrote a few lines and had a typical picture from the day on top. I pretty much adopted her format, down to the size of the picture, in my original JPG diary. (I think I even took that phrase from her. I searched the Web but found no one else who had it, so for months I thought I was the only one in the world after she went back to her webcam and eventually disappeared.)

After some months, I happened upon another like me. I found that they did not call their diaries diary but “journal”. Searching on this revealed a small community of several hundred people. This was before the age of the blog, so that was pretty much the world population of online diaries at the time. We were pioneers. But more pioneer than I was Al Schroeder, author of the journal Nova Notes. You will find numerous references to this in my early archives. We were strikingly similar in temperament and outlook, despite living on different continent, and despite him being married to a fellow geek and having three sons, two of which were autists. OK, that may be a similarity rather than a difference: It seems now that autism, or at least the main form of it, comes from geeks having children with each others. The same genes that make people smart and able to concentrate, in double dose causes them to become hypersensitive and apt to disappear into their own world.

I counted Schroeder as a friend for several years, and I guess I still do, but he eventually stopped writing his journal to concentrate on his online comics. Before he got that far, however, he had already established contact with other web comic artists, and started to review some of them. One of the first was Sinfest, which despite its name is not about a lot of sin but a kind of philosophical comic with stereotypical people and frequent appearances by God, angels and the Devil. There is a surprising dignity to it, for a humorous comic. I never saw any malice in it, even as it relentlessly revealed human folly in its many forms. If it had not been that good, Schroeder would not have recommended it, and neither would I have continued looking at other online comics.

But I did. I started reading lots of them for a while. Over time, it became common to have forums where readers could write about their impressions, and this often turned into general discussions about life, the universe and everything. Many of the comic creators were college students, and so were many of their readers. Intelligent, curious and often lonely, they were interesting people to get to know. I made many of my online friends this way. And especially from the Acid Reflux forum. Despite its name, it was not about the illness (which I also have to some degree) but a comic that seemed to attract particularly interesting readers. It also saw two of those readers marry each other, and then two more. But unfortunately the writer and the artists did not. So it came to an end, but not before putting me on the next path.

One of my friends there was very enthusiastic about something called “anime”. It turned out to be Japanese cartoon movies. Both these and comic books are even more popular in Japan than here, perhaps because their books are written in an extremely hard to read script, with a mix of sound signs and concept signs. In any case, this girl was in love with these cartoons. She also fell in love with one of the guys on the forum – not me, luckily for them both – and they are still married. But I had found a new interest. While I read very few online comics anymore (mostly those by Al Schroeder, actually), I watch anime fairly regularly.

Japanese culture certainly is fascinating. It is different but still kind of understandable. It is also very varied. Here in Scandinavia at least, Japanese manga (comics) and anime (cartoon movies) are mostly famous for sexually explicit content. The line between pornography and art goes quite a bit further to the sexy side in Japan, it seems. It is perfectly normal for non-religious anime to have random sightings of girls’ panties, for instance. In all fairness, Japanese school uniform skirts really are that short, so in school buildings with stairs it may well happen much the same way in real life. I am not sure why they do this. Then again, it is a foreign country.

I don’t watch anime for that purpose. (That would be crossing the river for water, seeing how I live in Scandinavia, but I also try to live with some degree of self-control when it comes to such things, despite being single.) My favorite are humorous slice of life movies. Luckily there are many of those too.

I was expecting something like that when a fellow anime fan shared a copy of the anime The Laws of Eternity last year. It seemed to be an interesting adventure by a bunch of friends who more or less by accident end up in the spirit world. Well, it is that, but mainly it is a way to visualize the teachings of the religious organization Happy Science (Kofuku no Kagaku, literally “Science of Happiness”). This particular movie was about the spirit world, which can be seen as both the afterlife and our state of mind while we are alive. The attitudes of the various heavens or hells are actually found in people alive in this world, and I could recognize them easily.

This was how I bumped into Happy Science, and I was surprised by the effect of the movie. I watched it repeatedly, sometimes twice in the same day, something I almost never do. I felt that watching it made it easier to live the way I wanted to in my daily life. I have tried to buy this and other movies from the organization, but this seems to be hard to do for an individual. They probably have their reasons for that, though I don’t know what.

Google Books lets you read a few scattered pages of a book online if the publisher allows this. That is the case with the English translations of the Happy Science books. By reading those few pages, I realized that these books were even more inspiring than the movie. They were more practical and down to earth, an everyday wisdom that added to the understanding I had gained through my own Christianity. Seeing the same things from a different perspective gave me a sense of depth that I had lacked before, or at least had less of.

I am still not sure what to say about this, or what will happen with my life from here on out. But this came into my life just when I was finally ready to understand it. If not for idly buying that magazine that day, it is quite unlikely that I would have bumped into them in my lifetime.

There are many such “coincidences” in my life. But then again there are many such coincidences in the world. Suspiciously many, don’t you think?

Changed or painted?

A new outlook, but is it not the same person looking out?

I have previously mentioned how I felt different here in Riverview than I did in the previous house.  But then I have only been here for a few days.  It is hard to say which of the changes are permanent, and which come from being uprooted and taken out of the “everyday” state of mind.

It is possible to paint over a rotten wall or a rusted car and hide the bad stuff somewhat for a time.  But this does not really change anything.  The rot and the rust keep doing their work. So I will not just automatically rejoice when I seem to have a fit of spirituality here.  It could be just from being around a man of prayer and good deeds for two days.  It could be just from a glimpse of how much money and time I have wasted on hobbies that now mean nothing or nearly nothing to me.  I could be just from being reminded that everything in this world is temporary, that the things we took for given are certain to change and leave us, or we them.

Is there anything I can do to wake up now that I am half awake?  Is there any way to secure my gain before it slips through my fingers again?  For it is obvious that if we take anything with us when we leave, it is not of this realm.  And eternity is hard to deny when you have seen it so many times.   It could certainly be an illusion, but so could the world.

I am not so much thinking “how can I know” but rather “how can I act on what I know”.  How can I avoid being fooled again and again the same way I was in the past.  I spent a small fortune (by my personal standards at  least) on CDs, another small fortune on computer games, another small fortune on clothes, another on comics and light fantasy /science fiction novels.  I still have remnants of all these things with me, even after having pruned them over and over. Like karma, they follow me around, remind me of my past stupidity, and force the question: Is there perhaps a current stupidity of the same size but invisible because I still live in it?

Another possibility is of course that my seeming change of mind is somewhat real. Perhaps it is because I am currently on my second reading of The Philosophy of Progress – after all, according to the product description on Amazon.com, “By repeatedly reading this book you will experience this extraordinary feeling that your soul is making great progress.”  As I said last time I quoted this, there may be a difference between making great progress and feeling that one is making great progress. (Although feeling that you should have made much more progress is probably a fairly reliable sign of actual progress.)

I picked up the small leaflet by Elias Aslaksen the other night, in Norwegian “MÃ¥ten Ã¥ ta det pÃ¥”  (the way to take it), where he explains the path to happiness in a few pages, lucidly and intensely.  Nothing other people do or say can decide my happiness or unhappiness, only the way I react to those things, and the way I conduct my own life. I may feel bad for them if they do something wrong, but there is no reason why this should make me do something wrong too.  After all, what I do is my responsibility.

This small tract made an enormous impact on me when I was about 15, and my life changed direction completely and never quite went back.  Actually I continued to act as if other people could move my mouth and my hands, because I forgot myself over and over. I still find the compass needle of my mind swinging like crazy because of other people, but there is a slowly growing space inside where I have the chance to correct myself before I derail.  Perhaps if I had read that leaflet over and over when I was 15, my soul would have continued to make progress until today?  Well, I guess in some ways it has, but wow.  It is very much like the movements of a badly drunk man.  I guess you could call it “staggering progress”… It is truly humbling (or should I say humiliating) to have wandered for 35 years and come back and see how much I truly had, if I had been able to see it.  But of course these 35 years may have been the only way to show me that, and even now I wonder if I can hold on to it.

Whatever can help me increase that space, that bubble of expanded Now between impulse and action, I want more of it.  As long as I still have time to play The Sims, right?  Right?

Thoughts before leaving a house

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Out with the old – this is the house I am soon to leave, in Nodeland.  I am sure there will be pictures of the new if I move in there, hopefully later this year.

In a few weeks, I will have left this house forever.  Hopefully to go live in another, but even then there is a certain melancholy in leavetaking.  I have had almost four good years here, even though the lawns seemed nearly endless some summer days with the lawnmower.  It was my first house to live in all alone, and I enjoyed it immensely.  That is why I had a hard time convincing myself to creep back into a basement. Not that there is anything wrong with basements. But the peace and quiet of an empty house is something else again.

Truth be told, however, I did not really live in the whole house.  And I am not just talking about the basement, which was kept by the landlord except for the washing room. Or the attic, which was also off limit. Or the third bedroom likewise.  But the truth is that I mostly lived in the large bedroom that I made into my home office.  Oh, I did spend some time in the living room, but not much apart from when I used the stationary bike which stands there.  Most of the time I spent in front of my computers, as usual.

Actually this was not much different from where I lived before, the original Chaos Node where I lived for more than 20 years in a fairly large, modern basement apartment.  Most of the space was taken up by one large room, and when I had cleared it out to move away I noticed how huge it really was.  This was both my living room, my home office (on the west wall) and my kitchen (on the north wall).  There was a separate bedroom and a bathroom with space for washing machine, and a couple dark and cool storage rooms north of the living room.  But for the most part, there was just this one room that I spent all my waking time in.  So I guess I have kind of just continued that way.

The House of Moth has a smaller living room and a smaller home office.  I suspect the usage will continue much as before.  In fact, I don’t even have living room furniture anymore, as I threw away the old stuff (older than me, quite possibly) when I moved here.  The living room and most of the kitchen were furnished here so I never needed to buy anything for them.  So will I ever buy any living room furniture, when I know that I will almost never use it?  I don’t know.  The future is not ours to see.

I know I did experience some personality changes when I moved here. I believe that each location has its own ambience, what the ancients called the spirit of the place.  For instance, I used to have literally a ton of comics, and while superhero comics had been on the wane for a long time, I kept buying Japanese manga (black and white comics) until around the day I moved.  When I came here, I suddenly had no interest in them.  Like, at all.  I gave away almost all of them when I heard that I was moving again.  I also have barely looked at the comics that I kept, which I was sure I would want to read again.  When I came here, it was as if that part of my life was dead.

So who will I be if I move to the house I have rented at Møll? In theory some of the old me could come back, but probably not.  The house feels older and more similar to the house I grew up in, what with the bedrooms being upstairs from the rest of the house just like back there.  And the whole farm country ambiance certainly  could trigger some memories. I am not sure that would be a good thing. Actually I am pretty sure it would not.   The best outcome would be that I once again shed something – I am not sure what it would be this time – and live a simpler life.

One change is for sure.  I wonder if I am going to wake up in the deep of the night, suddenly wide awake and saying to myself: What was THAT?  Namely, the sound of the night train not thundering past.  Even though there are two houses and a road between here and the railroad, some of the trains in the night literally make the house shake.  I would probably not notice a genuine earthquake until things started falling down, so used am I to the house shaking from the roar of a hundred wheels on metal.  In contrast, the House of Moth lies on the edge of the broad, quiet river, not far above sea level. On the other side, green fields separate it from the road, which is straight as a ruler but not heavily trafficked.  I should be able to hear some cars passing by, but nothing like the earth-pounding roar here.

And there probably won’t be a portal to an alternate dimension in the bathroom.

No really, the bathroom here is a mystery.  It is a nice bathroom, with a small tub (albeit too short to be useful for me).  But the smells and sounds are truly baffling. And I don’t mean the smells and sounds I make.  No, when I come into the bathroom it may randomly smell of turpentine, or flowers, or some perfume I know I don’t have.  And sometimes when I am there, I hear voices outside. They sound like they come from the lawn right outside, but when I look out there is no one on the lawn or even in sight.   The voices definitely sound like they speak Norwegian, but I can never understand a single word.  It is just barely so distorted that I cannot hear what they say, but not so much that it could be any other language.  If I move to the kitchen, just one wall away, there are no voices outside, and no strange smells.  Only in the bathroom.

I am tempted to write a novel about a parallel world that exists behind our mirrors.  There is a big mirror in the bathroom after all.

Oh, and of course I accidentally predicted this before I even knew I would move here.  Just see this example from my very, very short-lived Chaos Node comic! Of course, it was prophetic in other ways too. Straddling different planes of reality is pretty much the order of the day for me now. Although hopefully in a more philosophical meaning, without actual voices from beyond.

Sixth-dimensional programmer

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The Light is a source of absolute power, as I am sure I have told you repeatedly. But this time it is an illustration from the anime “The Laws of Eternity”.

I have thought about this so often the last month or two, I almost believed I had written about it already. So I better do, or I will think I have said all the words that should be spoken, and then they are lost forever.

I’ll use the concepts from Kofuku no Kagaku (Happy Science, formerly IRH) to look at a part of my life from a different angle. I don’t really expect westerners (or indeed most Japanese) to believe that the sect leader is actually from Venus etc. I certainly don’t, but then again I will just let that rest, because I honestly don’t know how literally that is meant. He does say right out that his description of the spirit world is NOT some kind of “other world” that we go to when we die. I already knew this. It makes a lot more sense if, as he says, these dimensions are all in your mind. (That does not make them any less real: Everything is contained by the human mind, even this “real” world. This is why Democrats and Republicans live in different worlds and cannot even agree on measurable facts, such as whether the planet is warming or cooling.) People think they have to go somewhere when they die, but we are actually “there” already. In my case, I think, somewhere in the lower reaches of the sixth dimension, although I am not sure if I can stay there.

Now, what do I really mean by “dimension”? We already agreed it was not a physical thing.

If you really were a materialist – which nobody really is in practice – then you would basically be like an animal. You would have no goals or values above what your instinct told you from moment to moment. But all of us actively remember the past (while most, if not all, animals only recognize it when they see it) and think about the future. This means we all have access to Time, the fourth dimension.

But according to Happy Science (and this is the least happy part of it) many people these days don’t have access to the fifth dimension, which is spirituality. For some reason, this is also called the realm of good (or realm of the good). I guess “spirituality” is not a perfect translation of the Japanese concept? I mean, ouija boards etc should probably not be included. Intriguingly, the voice in my head reminds me that the Bible (Jude, vers 19) supports the view that there are “natural men who don’t have spirit” (or “the Spirit” – obviously one must have some degree of spirit to be human at all, much less religious.) So, since I still have not found any explanation in Okawa’s book for this feature, I rely on the voice in my head (or heart) for the following: The fifth dimension is characterized by the ability to reflect on your life, see your imperfections and repent. Without this there cannot be progress or true spirituality. The “natural men” cannot do this. They will excuse or explain away their mistakes and not grieve over their sins unless they are caught and punished, in which case they grieve over their lost reputation and opportunity, but not their lost purity, otherwise they would have repented alone as soon as they became aware of it.

Well, even though calling me “good” would be a bit of an overstatement, I do keep afterthought, or self-reflection, and I do pent and repent over and over. (Sometimes even without being sick! No, really!) It is just that some things seem to find their way back in. Still working on this, but it does not seem to be unique to me. And as Smith’s Friends say (this is another group of people again, and pure Christian, no Buddhism at least that they know of): The sin you see as most grievous is the one you first get victory over. This seems to be perfectly, accurately true. If you think your sin is not a crime and God is just easily squicked, then it will come back again and again, like muddy footprints in a house where the children never learn to take their shoes off.

The sixth dimension, finally! It is the Realm of Light. All who live here know that there is a higher power, which they may call by different names, but they are all aware of it. And not just in a theoretical sense, like when you learn in geography class that in Japan there is a mountain called Mount Fuji, but more like living in a place where you can view Fuji-san from your window. In the same way, one who lives in the sixth dimension, or should we say, the sixth dimension lives in him, is well aware of the Light. This divine Light is different from the light of the material sun, and it has two unique properties. One, it is able to create. Two, it is able to grow. When the divine Light meets a soul which has affinity with it, that soul will radiate more Light than it received, as if the Light was a living, growing thing. When the Light shines on a group of souls that are drawn to it, it can move from one to the other and back, growing all the while, so that they together radiate a great amount of Light. This is how a true religious organization should work. But this is not restricted to religion. Andrew Cohen talks about “enlightened communication”, and says that there is a greater consciousness beyond ego, which can be reached by groups of people who dedicate their talk to a greater purpose and abstain from making references to themselves. This greater consciousness has abilities beyond what each member of the group has, and even beyond the sum of the members of the group. I will add that exceptional cases of teamwork all over the world may be caused by Light amplification, for the Light has many projects going on.

People from the sixth dimension are active in various areas, doing exceptional things. They tend to be leaders in their fields, or outstanding artists or inventors, people who create something of lasting value. They do this not only by their own inherent connection to the Light, but also by the inspiration of their fellow spirits. Each of us has a guardian angel and many of us has one or more spirit guides, according to Happy Science. These are high spirits from the sixth realm or above who assist us when we seek to achieve something worthy but which we would have a hard time doing on our own. The muse of an artist or writer could be such a being from the sixth dimension, who is currently not in the flesh but is aching to contribute to the world through acting as inspiration (a word clearly related to spirit). I cannot swear that this is true, but long time readers will vaguely remember that I have written about this years ago.

When I was creating the debt reclamation software that later helped numerous companies here in Norway save millions, I would frequently get revelations on how to write a particular piece of code. It was as if someone had figured it out for me and placed it in my brain, and I just had to write it down and test it. This happened many times and I found it remarkable. At the time, I ran rings around a 20-man team of educated programmers with expensive equipment. Alone with a few workers who tested my programs as soon as I had coded them, I made this masterpiece on my free time and mostly for the joy of it, as well as helping an old friend. Because my motivation was pure and my creativity was beyond material rewards, it would seem that the high spirits of programming would quietly pitch in. If you believe in the afterlife world of Happy Science, it may be that spirits like Charles Babbage and Ada Lovelace were looking down from Heaven and decided to give me a hand. Of course, this is figuratively speaking. Remember that everything is in our mind. But the effects are very real.

The sixth dimension is the dimension of truth, or true knowledge. People who love knowledge for its own sake, not as a tool to success in the material realm, will be blessed from time to time by random moments of bliss or ecstatic joy that comes for no reason or is out of proportion to its trigger. I call these “joy attacks” or “pleasure attacks” as a pun on the well known phenomenon of panic attacks. Actually, Okawa is the first other person I know of who has mentioned this! But we are not alone. A few days ago I had a poll on my LiveJournal to find out whether my friends had these experiences too, and whether they really only happened to people know loved knowledge, as Ryuho Okawa says. Not many answered, but all who did had these “joy attacks” and loved knowledge. One even commented to ask whether there were still people who did not love knowledge for its own sake. There certainly are, and I think you can ask any high school or college teacher about that if you are in doubt. Even better, look at advertisement for higher education. We may not know our motivations, but the advertisers know. They study humans with the same professional detachment as scientists study lab rats, because their success depends on knowing what really makes us tick.

Anyway, how do I know that I belong in the sixth dimension and not the seventh? That is easy: The seventh dimension is forgiving love. This is where the bodhisattva belong, and their western equivalents, the saints. (For some reason, Okawa always refers to the Christian version as “angels”.) Let us explain how love reacts at the different levels here. At the fourth dimension, you love your family (natural love). Apart from that, you expect tit for tat. At the fifth dimension, you expect gratitude. If people don’t praise you, you quickly lose your motivation, but if you can see that other people are happy and grateful, you get motivated to keep helping them even if they don’t pay you for it. At the sixth dimension, you don’t need gratitude, just acceptance. I have elsewhere compared this to a young mother whose breasts are full of milk. She does not need the baby’s gratitude, she is aching to let him drink, it is a need of her own. In the same way, we of the sixth dimension have a need to create and to share with the world, and all we ask for is that our gift be accepted. But those in the seventh dimension are not so easily turned away. Their love is unconditional, so that they will keep giving even if they are loved less the more they love. If you look at the official saints of the Catholic church, you will find that a disproportionate number of them were persecuted and many even became martyrs. This makes perfect sense because it is a kind of final proof that they were indeed saints. Normal people would have stopped well before it got that badly out of hand. But there are many other saints, and because they were never tested in such a dramatic outward way, they are not officially known. But those who have met them may realize it in time.

I am not a saint. I pray to God repeatedly that I may never be severely tested in forgiveness. As a Christian I am required to forgive everyone, and I believe this is needed even if you do not belong to this religion. If you cannot forgive someone, there will be a spot of evil on your soul, and this would put a serious dent in any plans you may have for your afterlife. But some of us, like me, are better off the less we are tested, as we could break easily and be overcome with evil. Therefore I pray that I not be tested in this regard, except for the most trivial situations which we all have to face. Like my bosses not respecting my vacation, for instance. To forgive is to forget, so don’t be surprised if I forget to show up for that mandatory training course that is slated inside my vacation… ^_^* But that’s a far cry from being persecuted for the Truth. I just know I could not possibly take that, at least not in the long run. They say that it is easier to die for your faith than to live for it, but I would rather prefer not to test that. Well, perhaps I could die as a martyr at the age of 90… Somehow I don’t think that would impress God or the angels very much though!

As I said, you can (and perhaps should) be a saint without being a martyr. But I also know that I simply am not that kind of person. I don’t have that level of love and dedication. It is a human trait to want to see oneself at the top of the pyramid, or very nearly so, “next to God”. But I cannot honestly believe that I am anything more than a barely sixth-dimensional programmer. Can I even stay at that level constantly? I don’t know, but I sure hope so.

Of course, that’s just one way of looking at it. I have used many other descriptions in the past, my favorite probably being Spiral Dynamics. But they don’t quite say the same thing. Also, one is more dry and scientific, while the other is colorful and filled with the mythos of several cultures. Even I see myself from different angles, and perhaps someone will understand me better one way than another. Is that not a big part of why we are on Earth in the first place, to understand and be understood?

“This is my road”

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Beautiful colors and beautiful music.

Lately I have watched some early episodes of the anime Guin Saga. At first I liked it: It was drawn with unusual beauty and rich colors that made the imaginary world seem intense and larger than life.  And there was the ending song, Saga by Kanon.  I was amazed to hear the beginning of it, which did not sound Japanese at all. And indeed it was not, at least not the lyrics: “Benedictus qui venit in nomine – in nomine domini. Hosanna in excelsis.” Then it switched to English: “This is my road” and eventually Japanese. The melody changed as well, though it is still beautiful, albeit not as ethereal as for the first breaths.  It flits fluently back and forth between English and Japanese. The girl pronounces the English perfectly (although she falters slightly at the Latin) – I have later found that there is in fact a full English version of the song, although it is subtly different from the mixed-language version, as can be expected.

The anime, unfortunately, let me down over time. There is a darkness running through it that disagrees with me (though I am sure many like it), an undercurrent of betrayal and helplessness, not only versus others but also toward the characters’ own feelings, an overwhelming fate which only the greatest hero can stand against, and even then with difficulty and the occasional help of some unknown greater power. The bleakness of the characters and their world contrasts painfully with the beauty of the art and music. It is unlikely to be resolved either, for the work on which the anime is based stretched well past 100 books and ended unfinished through the death of the author.  There may some kind of irony in this, and a lesson for me as well.

The song is still beautiful though.  It and the pictures gave probably at least some of the inspiration to the story idea I wrote about yesterday.  Certainly when I listened to the song afterwards, I could see how it resonated in parts with what I wanted to write.

As usual, translation is almost certainly erroneous in some detail but tries to catch the impression on me when I am in doubt. The translation from Latin is pretty exact though, and the English words, which I will mark in the text, remain unchanged. For the time being, you can hear the original on YouTube.

Blessed is he who comes in the name – the name of the Lord. Hosanna in the highest. / This is my road, it shows me where to go. Here I stand, this is where I am.  The faces of my parents are faded far away, yet when I close my eyes I can still hear their voice. This is my road, and I keep walking it, surpassing even endless time itself. This is my life, and I open the door; together with my destiny I make my own road.

Now that I look at it, it is disturbingly similar to my story idea, although I have probably bent both of them a little to get closer to each other.  But the concept in particular of surpassing or eclipsing or overcoming time is one I have specifically picked up from Japanese songs, where it appears in various forms.  In fact, the entry that kind of set off my new direction – six years ago already – was about “surpassing numerous destinies while one is alive”. Or at least that was how I saw it translated.  I understood even less Japanese then.  I suppose now that it could also mean “many people surpassing fate in their lifetime”, but I kinda like the idea of passing several lives’ worth of destiny in one lifetime.  If it was ever possible, this is the time, and we are the ones who are called – challenged -  or tempted? – to do it. You may say, that in September 2003 I started on another destiny.  I guess that is what some people call “midlife crisis”, except for me it is the opposite of a crisis, it is an opportunity, a door to brightness opening in a dimly lit room.

So if I get the opportunity to write that story, it will be about myself, in the most abstract sense imaginable.  As if condensing my life into one sentence, forgetting everything that made that sentence come into being, and expand it again into a book.

Perhaps I should stick with non-fiction.  But people would probably not know it was non-fiction or even believe it if I said it.   And yet, this is my road…

“Permaplat”

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The crystal above my sim’s head is called a “plumbbob”.  Its color shows the mood of the sim, from the deep red of absolute despair through bright green satisfaction to the pure radiant white of sheer ecstatic happiness.  A happiness that can be hard to understand even for those close to you, at least when it comes from inside and just keeps flowing.

Today was not “my day”. Actually yesterday took a nosedive too, after I wrote my entry for that day.  I have had problems with the electricity to the home office for a while, as described on Tuesday. I have moved my main computer (the quad-core) into the living room, where I am typing this now.  I kept the 3-core in the home office, but it was not entirely stable.  Yesterday evening it turned itself off again, and the lights flickered.  But then the lights continued to flicker, and got even worse.  A few minutes later, the lights sputtered and dimmed and went out. They did not come back.  Today I have replaced the fuses, and they seem unharmed, but there is still no power in the home office.  Or in my bedroom either.  But my mobile phone managed to wake me up this morning, hopefully it will continue to do so for the weeks I may have left here.

About that, I called the company that had the house to let at Møll. It was not rented out yet, but they had a lot of  people who were interested.  Well, so much for that.  Since the price is fixed, I have no chance to compete with the families.  People will always rent out to a family over a single man, if the alternative exists.  This is just common sense.  Even if most single men above the age of 25 were not insane (which most probably are), they could still die at any time for any random reason. But to wipe out a whole family at once, you need a front-page-worthy car crash or something like that.  So family it is.

Not that I had much time today to chase a new place to live.  I had to get to work quickly as I had to take phone calls instead of someone who was absent for some good reason.  I don’t have a problem with people being absent. In fact, I may start being so myself.  After this, the guy who should take phone calls together with my neighbor suddenly fell off the loop, leaving said neighbor alone to fend a storm of phones (there was some small disturbance in the Net). So I had to step in repeatedly.

Now it so happens that I don’t normally talk.  I mean that literally.  I can talk for about five minutes a day (more if I can speak softly) before my throat gets sore.  Something is up with my larynx, vocal cords or whatever it is called.  It has been gradually worsening for years.  I thought for a while that my lack of talking was the reason for this rather than just the effect, but I have thought about it.  I have Dragon NaturallySpeaking 10, the awesome speech recognition program from Nuance.  It is now so good that speaking to your computer is a good alternative to typing.  I have used it for NaNoWriMo for several years. And each time since it became good enough to keep using, my throat got sore and I had to cut down on it.  So this has lasted for many years, it is just that normally I don’t speak so normally I don’t notice.

Anyway, after this workday my throat was sore, verging on raw.  Experience shows that in this state it is also highly vulnerable to infections, which is another reason why I try to avoid it when possible.  Unfortunately today it wasn’t possible.  I have told my boss about the problem and have been exempt from the twice-a-week half-day phone duty.  But as permanent backup at a time where there is always someone absent, I still have to be sneaky to not destroy my throat. And some days, like today, you just can’t be sneaky, because there are people out there who need help and someone’s got to do it.

Then I came home and found that it is not just the home office and bedroom that are without power. The electric stove is also off the grid.  It should in theory be on a different course. At least this explains why the sparky sounds came both from my computer and the ventilator over the stove even though they are in different parts of the house.  So, no more hot meals for the remainder of my stay here.  Oh, wait!  There is the double hotplate / standalone cooktop that I have lugged along for 25 years where I had no use for it, just because, well, someday I might need it.  Today I needed it. MUAHAHAHA!  Then I kinda burned the bottom of the grilled cheese on the unfamiliar equipment.  But still, it was grilled cheese.

And on that note, we approach today’s topic.  You see, grilled cheese is a recurring in-joke in the Sims games, particularly Sims 2.  The game has a few major life aspirations that determine your goals and what makes you happy:  Family sims are happy when spending time with their family, marrying and having lots of babies, and staying with the same spouse all their life.  Romance sims want to kiss and make out and more with every adult they meet.  Fortune sims want to earn lots of money and get ahead in their career.  Knowledge sims want to maximize skills and perhaps become scientists or criminal masterminds.  Popularity sims want lots of friends and frequent parties.  Grilled Cheese sims want grilled cheese.

Grilled Cheese aspiration is ridiculously easy to keep happy:  Serving grilled cheese makes them happy, eating grilled cheese makes them happy, talking about grilled cheese makes them happy, and convincing someone else to make grilled cheese makes them deliriously happy for a long time.

When sims are happy enough, they enter “platinum mood”.  This has a number of small benefits and is easily seen from the bright white glow of the plumbbob, the soul gem over their head. Normally they need to keep fulfilling new wants to stay in this happy mood though.

But there is something called “permaplat” (permanent platinum mood).  It can be achieved by fulfilling a “lifetime want”,  like reaching the top of their destined career, or marrying off six children, or having eaten 200 grilled cheese sandwiches.  With the more lifelike FreeTime expansion, you can also gain permaplat from sufficient life experience, and with Apartment Life there are books you can read that will help you accumulate this experience faster after you have studied them.  Once you have reached this pinnacle of life, you will be happy forever. Well, not exactly:  Disappointments can still drag you down, especially if they are big or follow close on each other. But within an hour, the permaplat sim bounces back to full happiness again!

I won’t say I have reached this, exactly.  Life is not a video game, although video games may try to reflect life in various ways.  Perhaps if I had been Enlightened (in the Eastern sense of the word) I would have permaplat.  But as it is, there is something similar, just not as extreme. I seem to spend most of my life in an undeserved state of great happiness, not quite ecstatic for the most part but very upbeat.  Of course, this does not make for great journal entries, so it is sorely under-represented in writing.  Then something happens, like parts of the house losing power or my job doing unspeakable things to my throat, and this makes for easy writing.  But the truth is, after an hour or two I am back in platinum again, and only the pain in my throat makes me stop singing with joy.

Oh, there is a lot more to be done. A LOT more.  When my life is over I will probably wonder if I have even begun.  But there you have it.

Alone but not alone

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Don’t worry! We are not alone. Well, I guess that depends on how you see it.  This entry owes its existence to me watching another anime where someone says “Don’t fear, you are not alone” as if this was a perfectly reasonable thing to be afraid of.

This is a kind of recurring topic, I guess. Or at least I have written about it more than once.  But I think it can take another round, because it is so alien to most people.  I mean, if some blogger writes that he is gay, or that he is afraid of dogs, or that he uses a wheelchair, those are all unusual; but they still fit into categories that already exist in your mind.  But if I say that I prefer a life of  near solitary confinement, there just is no mental category for that.

“Single” doesn’t even begin to approach it. “Celibate” is mostly about sexual abstinence, or at least that is how people think of it.  “Hermit” is someone who lives out in the woods without electricity.   I don’t do that.  I go to work like a good office rat, I just avoid the watercooler.  Whenever possible I just work with the computers, although I have no fear of my coworkers:  I will approach them when needed to get a job done.  They are nice enough people.  But to compete with solitude you need to be truly great. Amazing, really. There have not been many such people in my life. (And I probably wasn’t all that amazing in their lives either.)

The confusing thing is that I am not alone when I am alone.  Well, almost never. I have experienced feeling truly alone and abandoned, and it was hellish beyond any physical pain I can remember. I can easily understand why people will  cut or even burn themselves to try to drive away the pain in the soul, but I doubt it works for long. Luckily, for me those were just brief episodes, albeit episodes that had a lasting effect on my life. Not that I would want to have that kind of lesson taught me again if I can avoid it.

To once again invoke Happy Science and the books by Ruyho Okawa, they assume that each of us have at least one guardian angel.  Usually these days there is also a second angel, a guiding angel.  I am honestly not sure if that is the Presence I experience each day, or whether that is actually God, or even some part of myself – but if so, it is far more than my better half: It is towering above me intellectually and ethically.  It is hard to imagine how I would end up in charge of my body, how I would end up being the ego, the conscious one, if my subconscious held someone like that.  Yet the Presence does not try to depose me and take control of my body – though it may occasionally influence it to halt me in my tracks if I am going dangerously wrong – but generally it is more like a saintly, tolerant older brother.  (I know this because I actually have a saintly, tolerant older brother, although we did not spend that much time together.  It is not a memory of him I experience, but there are certain similarities.)

I may get back to this topic. It is quite fascinating.  But for now, let us just accept the fact that when I am alone, I don’t feel alone.  It is not just that I don’t feel lonely.  Rather, there is a distinct experience or at least assumption of Presence.  Sometimes it is definitely more of an experience, while at other times I just take it for granted.

It seems a bit unfair, I guess, albeit in my favor.  While the voices in some people’s head say “Stab someone with a knife! Stab someone with a knife! Stab someone with a knife!”, mine says “The spaghetti is finished” or “Don’t just lie there and pray, go call a doctor.” (OK, so that was only once, but the spaghetti is pretty common.) Much of the time the Presence is not even close to speaking.  It may illuminate something I read so that I understand it with unexpected clarity, or remind me of something I heard long ago.  Or it may simply be there, quietly keeping an eye on me while I do my own things, or listening while I try to sort out my thoughts.

Women are definitely more sexy, but in pretty much any other regard they draw the short stick over and over.  There is simply no way to compete with someone who is closer to me than my own skin, nearly as much a part of my life as the beating of my heart.  Well, unless you’re the one Chris de Burgh sings about in his ballad Forevermore:

You are my lover,
you are my friend,
you are my life to the very end.
You bring me comfort,
you keep me warm,
you give me hope,
you make me strong.
You take me away to a distant shore,
and it’s with you that I want to stay
forevermore.

Forever is a long time. But I don’t mind, if it is like this. In truth, the main reason I am afraid of death is that I hear from so many that there is some kind of justice in the Hereafter, and I fear that this means I will have to part with my undeserved companion. If it were the other way around – if I were alone now but the Presence was waiting for me on the Other Shore – well, it is hard to say something like this for sure when Death is not breathing down my neck, but I think I would cross over with some semblance of dignity at least. But that is not how it is. Unfortunately for my death, but very fortunately for my life, I already have here something that others hope for in the afterlife.