I probably still underestimate my happiness, compared to what I deserve. But less than I once did.

How would you like to get what you really deserve? I know there are few things that worry me more than the supposed law of Karma, or Divine Justice, or any such thing that would ensure that at some future time there is a reckoning for my life and I get exactly what I deserve. That would be a definite downer.

And it’s not like I’m some kind of criminal, or even given to grotesque and blatant transgressions against the specifically religious codes of behavior, not by human standards. Well, I have eaten some swine and cows, especially in my younger years, so I may not be welcome in those communities. But I stopped eating blood as soon as I was my own master in the food tray. And I don’t actually sleep around with other people’s wives (or husbands, God forbid) or get drunk and pick fights and blaspheme with impunity. Stuff like that.

That’s pretty much as far as it goes, though. The compass needle of my heart still goes crazy at the sight (or even thought) of certain types of women, although I can control my hands and generally my feet. I am still an unstoppable wellspring of excuses for laziness and gluttony, at least by the traditional standards of these things. (Not American standards, but that is faint praise indeed, may the Light have mercy on the unlucky souls born there.) Despite my supposedly pure intentions of doing my job to the best of my abilities and with love, I somehow end up doing very little and being very slow to acquire new skills. And my own wants generally take precedence over other people’s needs, almost every time and without a second thought. There are lots and lots of such things. Enough to fill books for sure.

In short, I am horribly lacking in divine love for my fellow travelers, and correspondingly full of love for my little earthly self. Despite all I have seen, all I have experienced, and the constant support of the holy Presence in my life, I remain a venial man pretty much across the board. I certainly don’t deserve the happiness that has been chasing me virtually all the time for years and years now.  That is not to say I don’t eagerly accept it. ^_^  But I definitely hope there won’t be a complete and fair reckoning anytime ever.

It baffles me that people who are utterly beholden to sin, think they never get what they deserve. Isn’t that a reason for jubilation? And I’m floored by advertisements that says things like “You deserve the best” when obviously only the best people deserve the best.  If I found a cure for cancer, or a safe and pollution-free energy source, or a way to regrow lost limbs or safely raise a low IQ, I would perhaps deserve the best. But just for being an ordinary citizen mostly looking out for myself? What the Hell do I deserve?

But of course, most people who irrationally think so highly of themselves, can’t help it. They have been raised that way, or the voices in their head don’t instruct them properly, but rather lead them astray. Jesus Christ says that the servant who knows what he should do and fails to do it will receive many lashes, while he who did not know will receive fewer. Likewise that he to whom much is entrusted, of him will the more be required. That’s basically what they say these days, “with great power comes great responsibility”. Although it is not just about power, it is about knowledge too. So a blind-hearted atheist may get away more easily in his life review than a religious person who received many revelations from Heaven but failed to use them responsibly. Yes, I am looking at me here.

For all these and many more reasons, I have no wish to ever get what I deserve. May the Light eternal avert from me its full Justice, that I may abide in Mercy forevermore!

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PS: No, I am not feeling particularly depressed or anything. This is how I generally feel. I am not fibbing when I say that I feel happy in general, but I am very much aware that this is an undeserved and unwarranted happiness, a gift that I keep being given like a small child who keeps receiving and receiving from its loving parents even though it does nothing to earn its keep in any way.