This is the field in front of the house I rent, beside the road. You can see a corner of the shed to the left. In the background is our slightly horse-owning neighbors. My “lawn” consists of sand, mud, and a plethora of flowers.  I am not going to mow it anytime soon.

I think I may be conceited again. I have several spare “holy” entries written in whole or in part, which would no doubt reinforce the illusion that I am some kind of spiritual teacher. I love the stuff, but you should not think too highly of me just because the voice in my head shows me shiny stuff.  And I should definitely not think too highly of me either.  If I do, things like this may happen.

The last few days I have had this suffocating feeling.  No, not like being in love, I think, more literally, as if I can’t breathe in enough air.  That is true actually, see my May 10 entry about only having 78% lung capacity.  But it is not that I am short of breath when biking on my exercise bike or walking up stairs or dancing wildly to cute Japanese pop songs.  No, it is when I take a break at work, or walk through the city afterwards, and especially on the bus home. It is there to varying degrees through the day, but those are the worst.  It is pretty obvious from this pattern that it is a thing of the mind.  Neuroses are a sign from the subconscious that I am fooling myself – which is of course the human condition – but more specifically that it is coming to a head, that there is something that wants to be revealed and is poking me to get attention.  I don’t know what though.

The words of King David haunt me from time to time: “I will be more lightly esteemed than this and will be humble in my own eyes, but with the maids of whom you have spoken, with them I will be distinguished.” (2 Samuel 6.)  Norwegian Bibles have “small in my own eyes” here, which makes more sense since if we think we are humble, we probably still have some humility left to learn – at least that is my experience. Look at me, look at me, I’m so humble! What do you think of my shiny new humility?