I could need some help of the toilet fairy, actually. Or some other higher power, I guess.

Real life Divine Butt Attack Punishment progressed today to its next level, that of bleeding hemorrhoids. At the very least.

I have spent the time from this past Friday afternoon till now with a painfully swollen hemorrhoid (not counting my usual suite of itchy hemorrhoids, which are probably still there, just paling in comparison).  Today, at work, during a visit to the toilet, the hemorrhoid broke and painted the inside of the toilet bowl in bright red.  This was not a complete shock, but still unexpected because the hemorrhoid was external, as far as I could feel.  (It might be internal and protruding, but if so it has certainly not been inside for a long time. It is kind of hard for me to see, you know, where the sun never shines.)

In any case, my first ever bleeding hemorrhoid. Another complication!  Now to avoid getting it infected, and still giving it a chance to heal.  At home I can shower after each defecation, as I already habitually do. It should remove most fecal matter, but of course it also keeps the sore fresh. Certainly cuts on my hands stay open for quite a while if I wash them regularly.  Anyway, at work I don’t have the option of showering my anus, and that’s where I usually dump the heavy ballast during the workweek.

Online sites are vague on the practicalities, as they either are aimed at the medical student or peddle some herbal remedy (for the simpler sites) or some hi-tec surgery (for the more professional sites).  Given the very high survival rates, however, the human body must have some way of resisting the resultant infections, I suppose.  Either that or the Secret to treating hemorrhoids is passed down from mother to daughter during the first pregnancy.  I doubt that though, giving the relationship between generations for the first 30 or so years.

On the bright side, the constant pain of the last 4 days is gone. There may be another pain when infection sets in, but for now, being able to be conscious without feeling acute pain is pretty awesome.  And I have enough blood for a long time if it continues this sparingly.

I may not be that lucky, however.  There is still the invisible knife in the belly. And it still happens, even after the hemorrhoid broke.  I have found out when it happens:  A couple to a few minutes before the urge of a bowel movement.  It distinctly starts in a point in the lower rectum (but not outside, where the hemorrhoid was) and then stabs through to the front, somewhere to the right of the belly button but clearly front rather than side. It is brief (so far) but intense. Because of the timing, I must conclude that the stool passing through the lower rectum hits some kind of irregularity.

Yes, that is a bad thing.  Possibly a very bad thing. And I suspect that even finding out whether it is a bad thing (like an internal hemorroid or diverticule) or a very bad thing (like cancer or a   weak spot in the rectal wall about to break) will require an all-out colonoscopy, which is known as the front porch of Hell in itself, or at least Purgatory.  Then again, in the memorable words of a fellow Dark Age of Camelot player years ago, “dyin suxx”.

And of course, the Swine Flu is starting to hit Norway, and may shut down most of the rest of our health system until winter.  I may try to sneak a doctor appointment in before that, but at the risk of contracting the flu in the waiting room.  I can’t see it making my condition any better. But then again, most people my age have bumpy rectum, so… it may not kill me.  Or even put me first in the hospital line. I mean, I waited most of a summer with a lump in my breast, so I don’t really expect express boarding card with a bloody hemorrhoid.

At least all who think I am a pain in the behind can now rejoice in the Divine Butt Attack Punishment.