So yeah, still alive.  I still feel that I am lacking the bottom third of my lungs and just can’t get enough air, but it is hard to doubt now that it must be psychological. Today I vacuumed and mowed the lawn (with manual lawnmower, or “lawnmover” as I like to call it) for 45 minutes, and my pulse was exactly as I would expect on any other day. Only at the end of that time did it edge up more, probably because I had burnt up the easy sugar rather than any lack of oxygen.  I’d think that no matter whether it was a problem with lungs, blood circulation or brain stem, the body would try to speed up the heart rate to get oxygen around faster if there was less of it. So I must conclude that there isn’t less of it.

So if this is a software bug, where does it come from?  I was at work on Friday for 10 hour, which may have stressed me, what with my arm hurting like it hasn’t done in a couple years.  But all that was restored over the weekend, or as near as I could feel.  And the feeling does not magically arise when I go to work or disappear when I come home.  It is a very convincing emulation of respiratory problems, and I might never have doubted it if not for the amazing technology of the pulse watch.

Do I have a telepathic connection to someone who got the swine flu?  That’s pretty far-fetched and should probably be moved to the end of the list.

Then there was Saturday, when the landlord stopped by. He was not happy with the length of the grass on the lawn. I was – it is not like it’s growing wild, I just keep it at a pinky’s length rather than cropped down to the moss (yes there is moss and has, as far as I know, been since before I first saw the place).  So perhaps my subconscious is like “oh noes I can’t mow the lawn anymore because OMG I can’t breathe!” but that seems unlikely after I mowed for more than half an hour today (the lawns are many and large and the mower does not cut well anymore).

If it were childhood memories working their way to the surface, I assume they would emulate the bronchitic asthma I had at the time, not a medical condition I have never had.

The one thing that seems to negate it for a short time is breathing while yawning. No, seriously.  It is not an easy thing to do, but part of this experience is a near constant need to yawn.  Hmm, Google time. “Constant yawning” – yep, this is pretty common and usually a case of stress building up slowly to make certain muscles chronically tight.  It can also be a symptom of a number of very creepy things, but I think most of these would cause actually lower oxygen levels in the blood and thus a higher heart rate.

Curiously, one of the topmost replies mentioned that eating salt helped.  (Provided you don’t have high blood pressure, in which case salt is a risk factor.  My blood pressure has always been wonderful, but then again I generally don’t love salt.  When I grew up, my mom made salt-free bread for herself because of her hypertension, and I would eat it as happily as the normal bread she made for the rest of the family. I can’t say I noticed much difference. The next older brother up from me, however, was a dog for salt. He would lick it like some kind of candy, much like I would with sugar, only in more moderate doses.) The reason the salt reference caught my eye was that I noticed today after work that I was down 3 pounds or so from my average weight. Since I haven’t eaten less or worked out more, the sudden weight loss most likely means there is less water in my body than usual.  I haven’t been drinking less either, and it’s no hotter than usual.  But if I eat more salt, I am likely to retain the water in my body longer.  It seems most likely just placebo that it helped the other person – muscle tension is quite amenable to placebo – but since my blood pressure is awesome every time, it should be fairly harmless to try.  Mmm, yummy garlic salt! It is almost empty though.

More meditation is probably also in order.  Working less, however, is not really an option, since almost everyone else in my team is on summer vacation.  Let’s just hope the swine flu doesn’t get me now.  There was this guy sitting in front of me in the bus today coughing and sneezing. He looked rather boarish too, with a rotund body and head, small glaring eyes and a face full of bristle.  OK, that was probably not relevant.  I’m not exactly Robert Redford myself, to put it mildly, but I try to cover up any public coughing and sneezing at least.

Those who live will see! Of course, I better be one of those or you won’t see anything here.  So friendly prayers are always welcome. Prayers for me to do or not do particular things, however, are never welcome. That’s not really prayer but hostile magic, despite your convictions that you just want the best for me.  True prayer for another is always in the form of blessing or thanksgiving, both of which more energy to the higher self.  Anyway, hostile magic. Don’t do it.  My guardian angel has enough to do as is with my own antics, I suspect.  As for my atheist friends (yes, I probably still have a few) feel free to send me useful links or something. ^_^