“And then she had to open her big mouth.”

“Wife simulator” is a pun, of course. (If there really are wife simulators out there, I would rather not know.) It refers to the phrase “life simulator” that is fondly used about The Sims series. Some may wonder why you would want a life simulator when you already have a life. The game, they conclude, must be for those who don’t have a life. But this requires the (all too common) fallacy that there is only one life possible, namely the one you have. I know better, since my life is very different from yours.

One of the many things my life does not include is an actual wife. (There is occasionally some doubt about this, because of role playing, but believe me, I would have known. And in any case, just suspend your stunned disbelief for the sake of the exposition.) The funny thing is that virtually all my grown-up Sims in the Sims 2 were married. There were a few who had a permanent fear of marriage, but they were otherwise quite content to live in a monogamous relationship. Most of these couples also had a child or more. Actually, most of them wanted to have children. And that makes a lot of sense, because their lifespan is limited, and it is kind of sad to end up with a house with only an urn in it. In a way, it feels like their life is wasted – or nearly so – if they don’t have a new generation to benefit from it.

In real life, of course, there are more meanings to life than simply accumulating cool stuff for future generations and teach them various useful skills. And since The Sims 3 is generally more realistic than its predecessors, perhaps it will have more singles? Yes, probably. As I mentioned in my initial review, it is now possible to create a Sim with the personality traits Loner and Unflirty. Between them, these two traits pretty much makes sure the Sim does not get romantically involved, barring intervention from their creator. (And why would their creator do that after taking the trouble to make them that way?)

After playing for a while with my loner, I made someone who was almost the opposite. While still Good, she was Family-oriented, Friendly, Charismatic and Lucky. And with a little prodding, she actually got a good number of friends and lots of acquaintances. But romance is another matter. It takes a lot more dedication than in The Sims 2, where the Sims would more or less fall into it by themselves. Here it seems to take an extreme dedication. In fact, and this is horribly realistic, it seems to be easier for them to have babies than find love.

Not one to give up halfway, I set out today making a couple instead of a single Sim. They are pretty much the perfect couple, with an ideal mix of shared and complementary traits. Both of them are Good, Friendly Geniuses, but she is a Frugal Bookworm while he is a Lucky Computer Whiz. While there is some more stress involved for me in juggling two Sims, they have a blast. Since both of them can use the Friendly “brighten day” interaction, as well as giving compliments, they can quickly cheer each other up after a hard workday. (Sims take compliments quite seriously, and are happy for three hours after one, if they accept it all of course. Being so compatible, these two always do.) It is, as I have long suspected, wonderful to live with your best friend.

Now, about the romance… Between their jobs where they try to advance, and her lifetime goal as a novelist, there just isn’t much time for romancing. And evidently it takes time now. Despite the occasional kiss, there just aren’t any more advanced romantic interactions available. Even though they both roll the wish for “woohoo” (sex) and a baby, the path from here to there is just so long. I hear this is the case for some real people too. I blame the women and their weird notion that flowers and candles are in any way related to the birds and the bees. OK, I can see bees liking flowers, but that’s it. Birds most assuredly don’t like candles. (Moths do, I guess, but let’s not go there with this safe, family-friendly romance.) Please, my dear Sim couple, you’ve been married since before I started playing you!

(Returns from game) Well, it was doable, and it only took the evening. The key is to start with something reasonable, and keep an eye on the list of available interactions. After kissing massage shows up (which turns out to be the old backrub from Sims 1 and 2, but now it has become a more intimate thing than kissing. What do I know?) After massage, make out becomes available. And eventually, after climbing the ladder of interactions, “woohoo” and “try for baby” show up. The happy couple are now able to find a suitable location on their own, and do not have to be sent off to a bed first. Yay! We try for baby, and thanks to their relatively young age, or the kids radio they have listened to, or sheer good luck, pregnancy ensues! Thank goodness, now we won’t have to go through this again for quite some time…