Sunday 31 August 2003

Pic of the day: The dark clouds are coming, like a victorious army they conquer the sunlit land.

Angry skies

I took today's picture (and some more) late in the afternoon. Was I looking for such a motif because of other dark clouds gathering inside me? I don't think so, but I don't know. I felt fairly happy at that time. I was playing two songs on my minidisc player, the intro and exit songs to the anime Popotan.

I have mentioned Popotan, I trust. It is a curious anime that seems unable to make up its mind whether it is for children or for adults. One of the three main characters is a prepubescent girl, there's magic but little violence (one case in episode 7, but it ends well) and there's the cute pet mascot for an announcer ... But I'm hard pressed to see why there has to be a bath scene in each and every episode unless it's for erotic fanservice. No body hair shown, but otherwise there's a lot of skin. Add the fact that the oldest sister has breasts more like Dolly Parton than the average Japanese, and you have to wonder. I have this disturbing feeling that some of the scenes may be played over and over by people who have unhealthy interests.

The part of Popotan that I play over and over, however, is the music. It is very happy and energetic, and great for walking in the hilly terrain here where a little extra energy comes in handy. So I have copied both the Popotan Song and the Technopunk Love songs to my minidisc, along with such timeless classics as the Stellvia intro song Brilliant Road and the Master of Magic victory remix. ^_^

The contrast between the sunshine and the threatening dark clouds made for several pictures, but I think this one best expresses the immediacy I felt about it. I guess this is how I see the future right now. I'm still in the sunshine, I'm fairly healthy and have a nice place to live and, well, life is good. But the pain in my right side is still there after more than five weeks, and it is rarely absent for more than hours at a time. It's not getting worse, but it's not really getting better either. Even if it should turn out to not be cancer, it's clearly some kind of structural damage. Since I'm already down to one and a half hand, in a manner of speaking, I have a healthy respect for structural damage to the middle-aged body. And if it should happen to be cancer, I'm not likely to get it diagnosed right while I'm looking this healthy and well-fed. No matter how I turn it, there are dark skies ahead. The question is whether it's just passing clouds or the night coming.

***

The day had begun so well. In the morning, I had a dream. I'll just quote from my LiveJournal entry, where I recorded the memory while it was still fresh.

I dreamt that it was the near future, and they had made a new game based on Daggerfall. It wasn't a complete Daggerfall but a series of quests and stuff set in the world of Daggerfall. It was a console game with incredibly detailed graphics. And, you could play it in 3D in the holo-arcades. I lived in Rome at the time; the weather was much worse than now, with violent storms and flash floods; the political landscape was also in upheaval, but I did not bother much about that. I came to the holo-arcades each day to play the game. And I met a young girl there, or woman - she must have been around college age - who also came there every day to play. We became friends and it was like we had grown up together, we understood each other so well. Often we would say just a few words, but because we know all the references, those words said so much. It was so peaceful just sitting on a bench together or standing at the bus stop in the rain ... I did not want to wake up from the dream, and so time passed, day after day drifted past us like a river. At brief moments I was aware that I was dreaming, was about to wake up ... but then I turned my back on the world and went back to my dream. Nothing more happened, but it did not need to. Being able to play Daggerfall with my whole body rather than my wrist, and having a gamer girl for a friend - what more could a man wish from life?

In waking life, of course, my wrist keeps me from playing much Daggerfall anymore; luckily its real sequel, Morrowind, can be used with a game controller rather than mouse for the most part. But the gamer girl is still sorely missing. The Morrowind Girlfriend software is just not the same. -_-

***

After I came home from the walk, I did various forgettable things. Later I played Master of Magic again. But the pointless loss of my whole civilization to a stupid mechanical failure cast shadows even over my next game. Luckily I've met 3 of the wizards and they're all male and have their home on Arcanus. This almost certainly means that the fourth is Sss'ra, greatly reducing the chances of the Stupid Pointless Freeze Bug. Still, the disappointment of the previous game cast its dark shadows over the new one. I dared not allow myself to really hope.

Then again, that's what I do these days, is it not? Holding myself back from hoping too much. Because the future is not quite future anymore ... I can see glimpses of it looming over me, like dark clouds.