Saturday 31 August 2002

Pic of the day: Exiled from the computer! Another reason not to have kids, right?

Babies and other people

I felt that yesterday's entry ended a bit early. Not that it wasn't full, or at least too full to properly treat another major branch of the topic.

I have spoken in great detail about how I consider our life a slow movement from egotism to altruism. We start as literal parasites in the body of another human, and remain focused on getting more than we give for years after that. Gradually we mature to the point where we can form fairly equal relationship, and eventually take care of a new generation of helpless human larvae. At some point the balance must shift, so we give more than we get. It is my belief that we are programmed for this change over a lifetime. So when we don't live that way, unhappiness ensues.

I cannot document this from my own life, though. I don't have kids, or even a cat, and am pretty content even so. According to my theories, this should not be. I should feel restless and incomplete until I had some less conscious being to lavish my attention on. (You, dear reader, do not count. You are not real people, just a large white space that I habitually fill before I go to bed. Sorry about that.)

I though of several fancy things to write, but the fact remains: I don't really know this. "Write about what you know" is the advice they give newbie writers. And I don't know much about caring for other humans. I see humans interact, and sometimes it is fun, but often it is not. But evidently it appeals to them. So it probably will to you, too.

***

Perhaps I'd like to live in a family, too. It is hard to know. It was more a case of necessity when I was a child, I could not live on my own so it wasn't even thought about. After I could, I have done. But I understand that people like having kids. I think it is instincts that kick in. Until they are triggered, some instincts just don't activate. For instance, in humans, the paternal instinct. While women seem to have maternal instincts while they are still virgins, and itch to have kids, men don't feel a thing. Babies are just human larvae; worthy of respect as a member of the species, but a great inconvenience and to be avoided whenever possible. But all that changes.

I think the most common theory today is that paternity is not caused by the baby but by the mother. When a man lives intimately with a pregnant woman, they are BOTH pregnant. There are dramatic hormonal changes in the man, and some of these last for years. I kid you not. Testosterone levels drop measurably, for example. This may sound like a bad thing, but it does reduce the chance of throwing the baby out with the bathwater to try again. (It is also good for some brain activity, especially in the right half of the brain.)

There is evidently also some kind of imprinting going on. Men who handle a small baby are disproportionately less likely to act violently against it later in childhood, compared to men who move in later. If memory serves, there is 8 times as much chance of violence if the man arrives after the early baby stage. It would be interesting to see statistics about men that move from one baby household to another, to see whether they are primed for children generally or that specific baby. But my point is, kids change people. Not all people (and this is probably a sad thing) but very often.

Along the same line, both men and women may want an abortion when a child is conceived at an inappropriate time or social situation. But once the child is born, you can't pry it away from them unless you shoot them first. Conservatives think this is proof that the wish for abortion is a random idea caused by lack of serious thinking. "Ooh! Today it would be fun to have an abortion! Let's do it before we move on to another hobby!" But to me it seems more likely that the baby has changed them. Babies have the power to actually change people's brains. It is a scary thought. "Parasites ate my brain!" But they actually seem happy about it. Like they never knew what true happiness was until they had to get up in the middle of the night to change stinky diapers. Twice. Yes, yes. Just smile and nod.

I once wrote a sci-fi story in which pregnant women actually took root and changed gradually into trees. That's a bit over the top, I admit, but there are some pretty dramatic changes. (The men, incidentally, became ferocious watchdogs.) But of course, to me that is all it is, fiction. The real life of real parents is alien to me. Not that I am complaining. After all, I don't know anything else. ^_^