Thursday 12 April 2001

Pic of the day: Old, lifeless trees. (Because the original picture was too creepy.)

Let's not get carried away

Recently, Allison's Way wrote these words of wisdom:
"Infatuation is generally (if not always) NOT about the other person, it is about the dream of the future. That other person is simply there to fulfill the need. It is infatuation with the possibilities that could come along with that person, so we believe."

This is one of those simple revelations that suddenly changes the whole flow of thoughts in my brain. Like when a river breaks through its side and finds a new, lower terrain to run through ... it will not go back to run where it did before. Suddenly, things make more sense.

In my case, I have wondered why I don't fall in love, why I don't experience infatuation like other humans. I have also occasionally commented on the fact that I do not plan ahead, except in the most prosaic way (buying more food before the weekend, keeping some money on my account to pay the bills). It seems that I, unlike other humans, do not dream of a better future for myself.

Well, I don't. This has not always been so. Back when I did not have a computer, I would actually be infatuated with a computer. When I was about to buy my small Hewlett-Packard handheld computer, I was restless. I was passing by the shop just to look. I was thinking about the computer while I was doing other things. I was hyper energized. I was infatuated. This was because I sensed that my life would be much improved by having a computer ... that I would be able to do more "me" things with it. And I definitely did.

Today, it is not like that. It does not much matter whether I have this computer or a newer one. They basically do the same things. And the other things I can buy, they don't take me to a higher level of self expression. There is nothing I can acquire that will make me more "me". I am all that I can be. That is a bitter realization, kind of, but much tempered by the fact that I have a good life. I am basically happy: Not in an ecstatic way (though that happens too) but quietly content. That which I wish as my next upgrade is far beyond human possibility. As a human, I have reached the end of the fast lane. I can still learn more and grow as a person, but it is anybody's guess whether this will offset the weaknesses that age will bring. I may forget as much as I learn, just not the same things I hope. :)

As far as I know, the next big event in my life is my death. And I am in absolutely no hurry to arrive there. (I guess it may come in parts, like losing a sense or an arm or my memories or something. That does not change the general feeling about it.)

***

Back to the more classical infatuation. The dream that a person would suddenly make everything all right and make your dreams come true. Well, I am Magnus Itland. Everything is already alright. And what dreams I now have are not realistic. They are not even really human anymore.

This is not to say (in an arrogant voice) that "no mere human can add anything to my life". Well, obviously they can. Not just a new insight now and then, like the one above. There is for instance the young woman I love like myself, the one I like to call SuperWoman. As I use to say, when she is around reality seems more real. The music is more musical, the air is more airy, life is more alive. That's really nice, and it is no big surprise that I like her company. But it is still just a slight power-up. It kind of reminds me of the first time I tried, for fun, my cousin's glasses. I had no idea at all that I was nearsighted. I thought things were that fuzzy ... that's just the way the world looks at a distance. You can't see the individual leaves of a tree, or recognize the face of a person across the yard. Then I tried those glasses, and suddenly things became more real, in a way. That's pretty much how I feel about SuperWoman.

And face it, you don't get infatuated with glasses. Especially when you can just borrow them, and not get your own.

"Yeah, but what if there were another woman like her - someone of your own generation? Someone who were, like, available?" Hey, what kind of rhetorical question is that? Who asked you? And what side are you on, anyway? (Note to self: Don't enlist voices in head to help write heavy diary entries.) No, seriously, this is where the above comes in: I don't think like that. When something good happens, I appreciate it. When something less good happens, I live with it, and try to avoid it for the future. But I don't go looking for the Big Ben on a garage sale. I don't get my hopes up.

Infatuation is for those who are discontent. For those who dream of a better life here in this world. If you accept your fate, you won't get carried away like that.