Friday 19 January 2001
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Pic of the day: Off road. (Actually not far off the road, but it's been there for weeks now.) The right way
What can I do about my life? Solid Base, The right way. From the CD "the take off". This song has been playing and replaying in my head for quite a number of days now. It is not exactly speaking for me, though I must admit that it wakes up memories in me. From when I was younger and more angsty than now. And you may think that takes quite a bit. Not so. Let me explain. Don't panic now ... strange quote coming up. And Paul said, " I would wish to God, that whether in a short or long time, not only you, but also all who hear me this day, might become such as I am, except for these chains." (Acts of Apostles, chapter 26 verse 29, New American Standard Bible.) ***You know, there are small pains and large pains. I woke up this morning with another thorn in my flesh, rather literally, as it seems I've got a splinter in my right foot. Luckily it sits in a spot that doesn't take pressure normally. Still, it just goes to prove what I said yesterday, that nobody knows what will happen. It was sure a surprise to me, as I had noticed nothing as I went to bed or all through the night. So, first the disgusting and disgraceful pain of the haemorrhoids, and now this. Blah. You know what? I'd spend years like this rather than an hour with the pain of the soul, the anguish that seemed my fate when I was younger. And I don't think I was unique: While there are certainly some young people who just sail through, there are lots of them who feel the confusion, the fear, the restlessness. Surrounded by a darkness that seems to seep through all of their existence. Feeling alone, lost, misunderstood. How will they find the way? How will they get it right? I guess I should be quick and easy here, and just say: "Jesus is the way!" Which may have been a good enough answer, perhaps, if there were just one Jesus and just one gospel. But there are myriads of them. And some of them lead people into darkness and despair. As a fellow journaler so strikingly put it: "A faith worse than death." ***"I'm looking for pleasure, I don't need the pain" says the lyrics. But is that so? Don't we need the pain? I am not so sure. I wish that you could be as I am, only without the "chains". But I am not sure that is possible. Perhaps I need the "chains" to stay happy. I believe that the human brain has a certain capacity for happiness. It cannot easily reach this if the material comfort is very low, such as during hunger and thirst, cold or strong heat, or in danger, or in lasting loneliness. But once the basic needs are met, increasing them won't really help. A modern saying goes: "Too much of a good thing is delicious!" but that's just not right. You can squeeze more pleasure out of the brain by brute force: By pleasure drugs, or by overdoing sensual stimuli. But this depletes the brain, quite physically, apart from any spiritual effects - I won't cover those here. The fact remains: For an up there will be a down. As a young one, the first impulse is to seek out the pleasure and avoid the pain. That is our basic instinct ... amoeba do the same in their way, crawling away from the acid towards the food. But ironically, in a time where pleasure is available as hardly any time before, the price is paid so much faster. The natural state of a young brain is not one of intense, lasting happiness. The whole place is under construction. Don't panic! As you learn to quiet your mind, as you learn to avoid the wild excesses, as you learn to connect to something larger than yourself and stabilize, you will find that things improve. (Note: In cases of outright depression, don't kill yourself - go to a doctor instead.) ***You are certainly entitled to believe that I'm unhappy and lost. I don't have much of a career, I don't have loads of money, I don't have many friends, I don't have much status, I don't have carnal love, and I don't quite have a health of steel any longer either. But you'd be surprised. You'd be surprised to watch me sing or whistle throughout the day. My requirements are easily met. I know some of you are young and unhappy. I wish to God that you could have the satisfaction that I have on an average day. I'll admit that once in a blue moon I also feal fear, anguish and loneliness. I don't like it, but I think I need those panic attacks every few months to remind me that I'm still mortal. But if you can be such as I, without these chains, you're welcome. You may or may not want to - or even be able to - walk the way I go. Certainly it seems a strange path: To get more room by growing smaller. But for me, although I sometimes stray, I think it is the right way. |
Yet another nice winter day ... a bit grayer but still nice. |
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