Monday 28 December 1998

Just me

I am baaack!
A big thank you to all who wished me a merry Christmas. You know what? It worked! Yay! I've had this wondrous, glorious, beautiful holiday. And my birthday was great too (except for that pathetic song, but hey, it was probably the best he could do in five minutes). All in all this must have been one of the happiest weeks in my entire life. Not because of the physical gifts I got (those I've opened so far, were insignificant) but because of the deep loving friendship that I felt both in giving and receiving.
In particular I feel a lot better about having made it abundantly clear for a special friend of mine that she is in fact special to me. After all these years I think it was definitely time to show it somehow. I have a real problem with reaching out to other people. I don't think I shall spare the space to explain why, suffice to say that my first 9 years in school thought me to not trust other people. Things have very slowly normalized in the 25 years since. But I still spend a lot of time in this invisible bubble (or force field, if you will) where I only react, not act. I think I generally react quite well, so I tend to get away with it nicely. Still, the phone receiver is heavier than my double-sized bed when I try to pick it up to call someone. Even sending an e-mail first (as opposed to replying) is half a nights work. So showing my true feelings was a really lorry-lifting experience. Big thanks to a certain penfriend (who is probably reading this) who helped me work up my courage (such as it is) and convinced me that I would survive.
And no, I've not proposed to anybody. I can tell you right here and now that I'm never going to do that. I need to love, I like to be loved, and I wish I could be with someone I love all day and night, in good times and bad. But I'm not desperate, I was made with the option of living alone (unlike many other people) with no apparent damage to my sanity (in fact it has improved over the years, believe it or not). Throw in the fact that I'm finally starting to feel noticeably less horny. (Well, noticeable to me - it may seem different to others as I adjust my inner restraints accordingly.)
Anyway, I'm back. My throat is sore, my stomach is in a state of revolt, and my euphoria is evaporating. But I'm still me.


My other diary pages:
Monday 21. December
Sunday 20. December
Saturday 19. December
Friday 18. December
Thursday 17. December
Wednesday 16. December
Tuesday 15. December
Monday 14. December
Sunday 13. December
Saturday 12. December
Friday 11. December
Thursday 10. December
Wednesday 9. December
Tuesday 8. December
Monday 7. December
Sunday 6. December
Saturday 5. December
Friday 4. December
Thursday 3. December
Wednesday 2. December
Tuesday 1. December

Visit the Diary Farm for the diaries I've put out to pasture until they buy the farm:
November 1998


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