Saturday 20 April 2002
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Pic of the day: Spring is hesitating, and I can understand it. The air is chilly, the sun blurred by raw fog. These small white flowers have decided that winter is over, but the trees are still holding back, afraid of being hurt if they show themselves too eager. Who to cling toI have a double CD with the best of Elton John. I think he's called Sir Elton these days, or is it Sir John? I never quite got the hang on this nobility stuff. But the guy sure deserves to be counted among the nobility as far as songs go. I picked it up again this week and played a couple of the old hits. And once again I was struck by the power and passion in his Candle in the wind, the song about the life and death of the girl who became "Marilyn Monroe". And more than ever I was puzzled by these lines, which seem to be the heart of the song:
And it seems to me that you lived your life And I thought: Whyever would it be a good idea to cling to anyone? And I continued to think for a while. ***Regular readers know that I am a Christian, of sorts. Most of you probably don't like it, because you think either I or my religion to be undeserving of the other. There is much to that. But that is the closest I can think of here. If I can be said to "cling to" anyone when the rains set in - when I'm sick, or suffering from one of my rare but devastating panic attacks - it is my Savior I turn to. Human company is of no interest, unless they have the the medical expertise needed for the occasion. Even then, emotionally they are dust on the lens. And when one day I'm dying - may it be far off yet - I don't want you to hold my hand. (And for God's sake, leave the damned TV off!!!) If you have nothing to say that is useful in the next world, shut up and go away. Whatever you wanted to tell me that applies to the life in this world, you should have told me NOW, while I live in it, immersed in the world of humans like a swimmer in water. If you want to take my hand, take it now. But if I were in your stead, I would rather not. For although I may share my body and my meagre belongings, my heart will not be yours. Unless you think you can match this ...
You are my lover, Chris de Burgh: Forevermore. ***To be honest, I'm not sure how much religion REALLY plays into this. Yes, I am a theophile, though not in the fashion of some nuns who do things with crucifixes. But overall, I guess I am just not the clingy type. While she still lived, my mother told me that I as a child did not want to sit on her lap and listen to fairy tales. I jumped down and stood on my own feet, and I have more or less done that ever since. Nor have other women's laps managed to capture my serious attention in the decades that have passed, though they have a certain appeal. There are those who believe, in the name of Science, that our inner gods, angels and demons are parts of ourselves. Parts that we have partitioned off, that we cannot accept as part of ourselves as they truly are. Yes, I can see how this would count for demons. It must be scary to be possessed by an evil power, but it beats being evil. It could be easier to say "The Devil made me do it!". Once again, I am told that as a small boy I would deny responsibility for having broken things or done other shameful acts, claiming instead that they were the works of "Slugge". (It bears mention that Norwegian, my language at the time, does not recognize any meaning of "slug" or similar words. I seem to just have made it up.) But would I want to cordon off something like this? A power that pulses within me every day of my life, a wisdom greater than my own, a strength that can replenish me when I run out of my own strength, a power to heal body and soul, a spirit that cannot die, a wellspring from which countless lives could arise, each as unique and valuable as the one I live now? Would I give up being all of this, just to have company in my heart wherever I go? Just to have someone to cling to when the rains set in? |
Fog, then sun. |
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